


Deprivation

by boringusername2015



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ben Says Yes, F/M, Fingering, Loss of Virginity, Oral Sex, PWP, Post-TLJ, Rey wants the D, Smut, Virgin Rey, cross-posted from fanfiction.net, humor?, implied StormPilot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 07:22:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13429746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boringusername2015/pseuds/boringusername2015
Summary: The new form of training seemed to be working. Rey used the Force like never before. Master Skywalker and training partner, the reforming Kylo Ren, were eager to see how far she could go. Unfortunately, they noticed a change in her mood. Was this form of separation truly the path to her mastering the Force? (Rated explicit for sexual content and mild swearing.)





	1. Deprivation Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> At the behest of my friends, I have finally gotten an AO3 account. I suppose there are more fans here than fanfiction.net? I haven’t written fanfiction since before AO3, so they are probably right. Thank you for taking the time to read my piece.  
> If you’d like to skip the plot and go straight to the porn, the second chapter is that exclusively.

After the destruction of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo Ren joined Rey and the Resistance. The two continued to train with Jedi Master Luke Skywalker at the new base on an uncharted planet in the Outer Rim. The two had grown close over the past months due to intensive training and late night chats through their connection in the Force.

However, Kylo Ren approached his master to inquire about a technique that both the Jedi Master and the Supreme Leader had used on him during his early training. Skywalker complied and the two began using the technique to block Rey from accessing their thoughts.

The technique initially worked and she began to improve using the Force around her instead of focusing on the thoughts and feelings of her teacher and peer. Unfortunately, after a few weeks of this training, the two noticed her becoming more frustrated and more easily aggravated. She was late for training and aggressive in her use of her wooden sabers. She was increasingly agitated by Kylo hitting her when she was carelessly swinging at him. The young scavenger even went so far as to push him to the ground with her bare hands.

Rey’s behavior only worsened and they could see the bags under her eyes. Her face was becoming more hollow and seemed to set in an eternal scowl. But there were instances that proved the training was working. Her connection with the Force increased and she easily manipulated the elements at will. It was working, they reasoned, and continued on.

* * *

“Rey. Get up. You’re late.” Kylo Ren towered over her at the side of her bed.

She didn’t respond. He rolled his eyes. She was goading him to wake her with the Force. She’d attempted this a few times over the past week but he wouldn’t fall for it. The second he’d reach out, she’d be in his mind in an instant.

“Get up.” He pushed her with the hilt of his hollow saber. It rocked her and she grunted but resisted his call.

He sighed. Maybe this form of training wasn’t a good idea after all. He thought back to his days still learning the ways of the Force and recalled the times both Skywalker and Snoke put him through this form of focus. Due to his vulnerability in the Force, he had an advantage over his peers and even his masters at times. He spent a lot of time feeling for the answers his teachers had in their minds instead of working for the answers on his own.

Skywalker claimed it was “a neat trick but ultimately tacky.” Snoke Force-choked him into understanding that “not everyone would be as easy to defeat as mindless stormtroopers and knights.” He knew these men were experts and even though they were from opposite sides of the Force, they used a similar way to reign him in and get him to focus not on his opponent, but on the energy around him. They blocked him from accessing the minds of others. Any attempt was met with a wall crafted by his mentors. An open mind was critical, and focusing in on one mind in the heat of battle would mean ruin.

Kylo Ren knew Rey’s connection to him was stronger than that of anyone else’s and with the help of Skywalker, he managed to keep her prying at bay. It took their combined efforts to block her from their minds and coerce her into feeling the Force around her instead of within them. Each attempt was met with a wall and he could see her chagrin in the furrowing of her brow. At some points she didn’t even realize she was doing it and would be met with the wall unexpectedly. In those moments, he saw her frustration boil over and witnessed the familiar rage he’d experienced in his first days of the training.

It was for her own good, he convinced himself. Rey needed to understand the foundations of the Force without their distracting bond, without her heightened abilities. They would work on that later. For now, she needed to understand the energy of the universe, not the energy between them.

Even with his sound reasoning, he had to convince himself every day as he woke. In those moments, he was most vulnerable and susceptible to her prying. He’d wake and it almost felt like soft fingers tracing the edge of his consciousness. It was her, ready to steal into his mind. It often took a splash of cold water to form his resolve and block her prodding.

That was an idea, he decided and left her room. He entered the bathroom down the hall and splashed his face with cold water. He’d felt the need as well. It would be so easy to wade into her thoughts once again, to lower the wall and feel her with him unlike anyone before. He splashed again. That should do it. He looked in the mirror and behind him saw two figures.

“You even go to the bathroom together?” He asked them.

Poe and Finn didn’t respond and waited their turns to wash their hands after what was clearly a dowsing session for the former Sith Lord.

“Everything alright?” Poe questioned cautiously.

“Fine.” He lied, “Great, actually.” Kylo Ren wasn’t attempting to sound sarcastic, but alas, his natural awkwardness won out.

Poe stepped back allowing Finn to wash next and he grabbed a paper towel, “Ok. Just thought I’d ask. You seem, well-“

“What?” Kylo interrupted.

“Tense.” Finn concluded Poe’s observation and grabbed a towel to dry his hands.

The three men were gathered around the single sink in the large bathroom and Kylo felt the unease growing between all of them. “I can’t imagine why I’d be tense, gentlemen.” He made his way towards the exit.

They followed.

“Is this about Rey?” Finn asked. As her self-assigned protector, he always seemed too interested in the connection the “reforming bad guy” had with her.

Kylo sighed and responded curtly, “She’s getting reckless. More than she was before training with Skywalker.” He continued on to her room and the pair followed relentlessly. He sensed them share a look behind him and he stopped abruptly. Kylo quickly turned to them, sensing something. Some secret they were hiding, “Has she been talking to you about our training?”

Poe and Finn looked at each other, holding back smirks and he wished he could take the secret from them but, no, apparently taking what you wanted was wrong.

Poe stammered, “She may have said... some things, off-hand.”

Finn snickered. This was killing the former Sith. He actually felt powerless to their social torture.

“What? What has she said?”

Poe and Finn were practically bursting but contained themselves. He suddenly panicked. What were they doing?

“It’s not about your training, ok?” Poe attempted to assure him.

Finn smirked, “Yeah, it’s more about how she got you to join us to begin with.”

He looked at them confusedly. How was there any humor in that? Had she told the truth about his fear? Was she getting back at him by making him seem like a frightened child rather than a dangerous weilder if the Force?

“Keep in mind,” Poe said with a toothy sneer, “she hasn’t been sleeping so good.” He was well aware of the scavenger’s sleepless nights attempting to invade his dreams. “She’s a little more cranky and, well, y’know, honest.” They knew.

“You will tell-“ he was irate and was close to destroying his pact with his mother that he wouldn’t use the Force on her company. He stalled and noticed the quick change in their jovial demeanor. They were afraid again and he felt guilty. He realized his hand was up and quickly lowered it.

The two men looked between each other.

“Sorry, bad habits...” he trailed off, averting their gaze and almost wishing they’d continue their assailment. At least someone was having fun, even if it was at his expense.

“Hey, uh...” Finn continued, attempting to revert the conversation to something more playful, “she‘s been a little more tense lately too. Maybe you guys can do your Jedi mind tricks and get it sorted out?”

He wasn’t sure what that meant but his curiosity at their shared merriment was clouding his thoughts. He almost felt after his momentary faltering that he shouldn’t ask but he couldn’t help it, he hated being in the dark, “What did she say?”

Finn kept quiet but Poe relented finally and with a broad, openly sneaky grin replied, “She said she _seduced_ you to the light side.”

The lights went out. Kylo Ren was suddenly transported to that moment on Snoke’s ship as he slammed his helmet into the wall. Rage engulfed him as he took it out on that damned symbol.

He opened his eyes again and the light had returned to the hallway. Finn and Poe were visibly shaken but continued to watch him, expecting an outburst.  
Kylo Ren would not give in, he vowed. No matter how much that little junkrat aggravated him.

“Funny.” He retorted with a facile smile.

Finn and Poe exchanged glances. “You think?” Poe asked.

The reforming Sith Lord breathed in deeply and then out, his placid expression unwavering, “Yeah, that’s very funny.”

Finn smiled nervously, “You sure? Because you aren’t really laughing.”

Kylo let out a chuckle that he could tell unsettled them. “Better?”

“Sure? But also the power went out for a second.”

“Yes, I noticed that too. Must be the old, rusty power grid we’re on.”

They were growing increasingly more nervous at his calm and he could feel their fear. He knew that he’d need to remedy this somehow but at the moment all he could think of was swatting the sleeping scavenger mercilessly during her training.

Poe’s curiosity was overshadowing his fear. “So you won’t mind if we ask?”

“Ask what?” His thoughts on berating Rey were astonishingly vivid. He saw her relenting to his attacks and almost relishing his battery.

“How’d she do it?”

The question hung in the air and he felt his resolve cracking. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Finn breathed in loudly through his nose as Poe explained, “Ok, clearly we didn’t believe Rey. She’s exhausted and honestly acting like an asshole. So we thought we’d ask you: what made you change sides?”

He looked between them, they wanted to know now. Avoiding them was impossible. It would give them the idea that maybe Rey was telling some sliver of truth. That maybe she had seduced him in some capacity. He thought back to Snoke’s chamber and that moment he doubted joining her. That call from the throne that held his former master’s lower half. Her gaze as she saw his fear. Time stilled and he was back in that moment.

Rey’s eyes were full of pleading. She’d offered him her soul, a bond that he’d never had with anyone before. He wanted it. He wanted power too.

“Ben, please don’t do this.” She whispered. In that second he saw his future, a battle for her weapon, her retreat on the Millenium Falcon, her closing the door on their connection forever as he took the First Order for his own. It was a small price for the whole galaxy. It was his to command, and his alone.

But he didn’t want to be alone anymore. He saw his future clearly and yet, he didn’t want it. He saw himself staring into the depths of space searching for her, for the Resistance, he claimed. But he lied. He was alone and ached for her. For those gentle fingertips. She wouldn’t have him. She’d break the connection and though he would hold the stars in his grasp, it wasn’t the stars he wanted.

He was afraid.

 _Don’t be afraid_. She smiled at him, extending her hand, and he felt a light brush against his cheek through the Force. The future was a haze in her eyes. He could see nothing for him there. There was no certainty in what she offered him. But her hold on him was strong. The Force moving between them could swallow him whole but she would be there. He wanted the certainty, the power that his future held.

“Ben.” She said and even in remembering it, her call was as clear as if he were experiencing it all over again. His name on her lips was all it took to seal his fate. And though he followed her, he knew he would now always be afraid.

“She told me that my mother was alive.” He lied.

The answer struck them immediately, like they hadn’t considered it before.

“I thought she was killed when your ship was nearly destroyed. She told me what happened and I had to go to her. I had to know she was alright.”

They seemed to take the answer well enough.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some training to do.” He turned and made his way to the Jedi’s quarters.

He didn’t hear Poe whisper to Finn, “He’s so full of shit, Rey wasn’t even here when Organa was blasted into space.”  
Kylo Ren returned to her quarters and found her sleeping form the same as he’d left it. She was in deep. Her powerless form before him reminded him of the time he trapped her in that stupid chair. The first time he entered her mind and when she resisted him. When she’d turned the interrogation around and saw him for the first time. He had to step away from her now. Her scent was so strong. All of it flooded his senses and he was in the moment again.

Again. He could see her gaze turning from fear to intrigue. Rey was a new experience for him. He’d never had anyone use the Force so naturally, as if she’d always known the power inside her. She was effortless, using her power with abandon, feeding on what she found in his closed off mind. He felt her again. Her gentle touch prodding him like sticking a finger in an open wound seeing shrapnel. He broke from her and was back in her room.

He’d been experiencing these memories too well as of late.

Rey? He called to her with his mind.

Her body tensed as she breathed in sharply.

“You’ve been awake this whole time?”

She turned her head only slightly to acknowledge him.

“Rey, what are you doing?” He was at her side again, this time kneeling beside her bunk.

“I miss you, Ben.” She choked out. Her voice was low and fueled something within him, something he’d been missing since the beginning of his experiment. She continued, “Please let me in.”

“You have to focus on the Force, Rey. You’re distracted by our bond. It isn’t healthy.”

She sat up and pushed him away indignantly. “Like you ever cared.”

Her push was stronger than he’d expected. She’d actually used the Force around him, a clever loophole on their deal. He didn’t know what to say to her. He looked in her eyes as she glared at him. She was exhausted.

“You need to sleep, Rey.”

“Stop it.” She demanded.

“What?”

“Saying my name. Don’t say it like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m some child!” She rose up from her bunk and it was she who towered over him now.

The hunger inside him flicked again as he gazed up at her. She was ragged, strung out, fiery, lonely. She advanced with a primal grunt and he had to crawl backwards to keep from colliding with her fury.

“I’m not some aimless padawan seeking her master’s approval.” She crouched down over him and held a hand up to her eye-level. “You _will_ give in to me.”

Her power over him was stronger than the Force. He was prone beneath her and desperately wanted to give in. If anything, he wanted to give her the satisfaction of besting him. She would revel in it, rejoice in her victory, and maybe get some sleep.

He felt her power slamming against his walls. She was an animal he had to keep at bay with swift and powerful blows. She was glistening in the synthetic light of her room. Kylo Ren felt her rage and saw it form into a twisted smugness that tainted her features.

“You’ve already been receiving our memories. Just give in.” Her eyes were wild, that smirk looked out of place on her usually gentle face. His hunger for her changed into fear as he strengthened the walls around his mind.

“Stop. This isn’t you.”

She scoffed at his panic and it turned his blood to ice. “You don’t know me, _Kylo Ren_.” The name, so foreign and venomous, dripped from her canines. It broke him.

He flung her against the wall with a quick extension of his hand. She groaned and he couldn’t deny that the sound was strangely exciting. He was on her in an instant, his hand by her head, urging her to follow his one command, _Sleep_.

Yes, she replied. She was tensing, but not out of resistance. Something was coiling inside of her, seeking release. She wanted to succumb to his command but not yet. Rey was reveling in his power, in his touch through the Force.

 _Sleep_ , he urged her again. His command was becoming less of an order and more of a plea. He was afraid for her. What had he done?

“ _Ben_.” She moaned his name and he was starving. What had he done?

Her lips were filling and her cheeks flushed, wanting something. He felt her desire. He attempted to flee the feeling, retreating behind his walls.

 _Ben_ , he heard her cry.

 _Sleep_.

“Don’t leave.” She attempted to hold to him with the Force, her limbs exhausted and unable to plead for her. _You know me_.

He was back in the interrogation room, slipping easily into her mind. He saw Jakku, a ship leave a pleading girl being pulled away. _You’re so lonely_. She resisted weakly. She couldn’t leave that place. Even now, she’d been too long. _So afraid to leave_. A tear stained her cheek. He saw her staring up at the stars, waiting, hoping, knowing they’ll return. _At night_... Every moment she let sleep take her, she was woken by her desperation, a fear that they’ve come and gone. But only a moment passed. Nothing. _Desperate to sleep_...

He saw himself interrogating her. He saw her pain. It fueled the anger and regret within him. _Enough_. He pleaded. And he was again in her room staring into her eyes. She was again, desperate, lonely. He saw no other option. He put his Force-heavy hand to the side of her head. His thumb rested on her cheek, his fingers grazing her hair. She was gorgeous relaxing into his touch.

 _I won’t leave_. “Please sleep.”

At last, she relented. The unfortunately familiar feeling of her losing consciousness in his arms left him ashamed. He didn’t want this. He wanted her to be stronger, not falling in his arms again. In his aim to be the perfect teacher, he lost sight of her. He wanted so badly for her to perform exactly as he wanted, exactly as he knew she was capable of, that he forgot her loneliness. He told himself that it was good, that she needed to be separated from him to feel the true power of the Force around her.

It didn’t matter. He’d failed her and he hadn’t even realized until it was too late how poorly she’d done.

Kylo Ren laid her on her bunk and sat beside her on ground. He didn’t know how much time passed and he hadn’t put up the barrier again. Instead, he allowed her to freely enter his mind in her sleep. She smiled in the sun of some distant planet. There was no war there, no death, no pain. She used her powers to lift rocks and move the waves. It was pleasant to see her childish glee in her own strength. Her eyes locked with his and he felt lightning rip through him in her gaze. She held out her hand playfully and he wasn’t sure what was next. He attempted to read for her plan but with a teasing smile, he felt her resist.

“Come on! What are you afraid of?” Her tone wasn’t teasing. Instead, it was honest and playful, as though she knew he wasn’t truly afraid but rather, like a boy, nervous.  
He took her hand finally and she pulled him along the beach. The sand was comforting beneath him and he realized he wasn’t wearing any shoes. Or his usual clothes. She wasn’t either.

“Where are we?” He asked, taking in the surroundings, trying to avoid looking at her bare skin that showed more than usual under her beach attire.

“You don’t know?” She seemed genuinely surprised. “I thought you saw it?”

He realized in an instant, remembering the interrogation, remembering the place she longed for, “The island?”

She continued to pull him along the beach. The ocean was vast and seemed to go until the end of the world, as though where it ended the vastness of space was there to meet it.

“Where are we going?”

Rey stopped and he caught up to her. He was beside her, partially blocking her from the spray of the sea. She stared out at the ocean and he could only watch her looking. She looked up at him and her hand around his shifted allowing her fingers to entwine with his. It was a comforting gesture and he searched her expression for any answer.

“I don’t know.” She answered. She hesitated, “Is that alright?”

He smiled. “Of course.” The wind picked up and a few tendrils of hair brushed her cheeks and flew across her face. Kylo Ren reached up slowly and tucked the wisps behind her ear.

She replicated the gesture and he realized that his hair had been blocking some of his view of her. Rey’s fingers were soft and thin, as gentle as the laps of water tickling his toes. He hadn’t removed his hand from her face. He didn’t want to stop the connection. He felt if he pulled away that it would all fall away.

But even with his fingers caressing her, the foreign sound of a door opening woke him from her dream. He opened his eyes to see their master, Luke Skywalker, enter the room. Kylo Ren quickly checked to see that Rey was still sleeping and apparently she’d continued her dream without him. He suddenly became jealous of the Kylo Ren she was dreaming about and his master scoffed.

“So you gave in, huh?”

Kylo flushed at his own failure but his master just sighed with a faint smile.

“Eh, I figured it wouldn’t work between you two.”

“Then why did we even try?”

Luke sat opposite him and stared at him with his smile unwavering.

“To see if it would work? To see if she could use the Force without me in the picture.”

He said nothing.

“To test our bond? To test her own strength? To test my strength? My resolve. This wasn’t a test for her, it was for me!”

“Does everything always have to be about you?”

He glared at his uncle.

“Ben, did you ever realize that when I was blocking you from the Force, that maybe I was wrong?”

“You? Admitting you were wrong.”

“You told me that Snoke performed this on you as well, correct?”

“Yes, it seemed the best way to put me on the same level as everyone else. To get me grounded in the basics of the Force.”

“But maybe that was the wrong way to go.”

Luke looked past him and at Rey sleeping in her bunk.

“Maybe you two are strong in the Force for a reason. Maybe you are bringing about something new to the galaxy. Something more powerful than the original Jedi Order had.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I made a mistake with you, Ben. If I could, I would do things differently. Maybe instead of keeping you barred from it, I should’ve embraced it.”

“So you’re admitting you were wrong and that you ruined me in trying to kill me. We’ve been over this. How does that help?”

“We have to learn from our mistakes. Don’t make them again and expect a different result because it’s a different person.”

“But she’s better than I ever was. She should be able to do better than I ever did.”

“You’re missing the point. What happened here today? Was she ready for training?”

“No.”

“No. How has she been during training?”

“Relentless.”

“Right. And how has she been to her friends.”

Kylo hesitated. “They described her as ‘kind of an asshole.’”

“And to you? How has she treated you?”

Kylo thought back to the moment where all his pity failed and he was truly afraid of the girl. “It isn’t as though I didn’t deserve it.” He remembered too clearly the fear in her eyes when he first froze her on Takodana.

“You’re missing the point. What was in her eyes?”

Kylo looked at his master and felt ashamed. He’d never meant for this to happen. “Darkness.” He mumbled.

A silence filled the space and Kylo did his best to hold in his emotions.

“It was the same with you.” They locked eyes again and Kylo saw his teacher’s regret. “I thought that if I reigned in that power that you would somehow improve. That you would be restrained and understanding of why I was doing it to you.”

Kylo looked away and thought for a moment. “I understand why you thought you had to. You were afraid.”

Luke Skywalker did not reply.

“You were a good teacher.”

They locked eyes again and Luke finally asked with a crooked grin, “So what will you do now, Master Solo?”

Kylo looked away and then back at Rey. He knew that he could never be her master. She was too powerful and had already bested him multiple times. He had the scar to prove it.

Skywalker stood up, “You don’t have to know right now. You could just-“ he was backing out of the room, “take the day off.”

The concept seemed foreign to him. As his master left, he searched his face for an answer but Luke only responded with a wink as the door closed between them.

Kylo Ren looked back at the girl sleeping and wondered if she still dreamed of the island. He turned to face her now and on his knees beside her bunk, he rested his arms on the mattress and then his chin on his arms.

Would she be alright with him wading back into her dream? He’d enjoyed seeing her in the sun of that strange place. He wanted to be there with her too. He took a deep breath and her smell surrounded him. He heard her laughter, something he’d come across often in those past months. It was usually when she spoke to Finn and Poe or during her training with Skywalker. It was boisterous, her wide toothy grin caused her eyes to squint and light creases formed at the edges of them.

Soon, he felt his own consciousness fading. He too was drifting to the island and feeling the breeze on his skin. Then, he felt her.

Kylo opened his eyes and she was smiling at him. She was close enough to make him blush and at that, she giggled.

“Welcome back!”

“You knew I’d left?”

“Well, yes, I knew whatever you were doing was important. But you didn’t leave, exactly. You were still beside me so that was why I didn’t wake.”

“You can tell when you’re dreaming?”

“Can’t you?”

“Only sometimes.”

“Come on,” she held out her hand and he realized he’d been laying in the sand.

She helped him up and he heard laughter not far off. He looked down the beach and saw Finn and Poe approaching them.

Finn had a ball in his hands, “Alright, now it’s even teams!” He threw the ball and Kylo caught it immediately.

“What is this?”

“We’ve been playing since you left but now that you’re here we can play for real, come on!”

She ran after the other two and Kylo had no choice but to follow her. They played a simple game and Kylo actually enjoyed himself. He’d forgotten what fun truly was and that this is how normal people would relax and enjoy their days off. A few rounds in, Rey convinced everyone to take a break and enjoy some treats. They were sweet and satisfying. Poe shared drinks with everyone and they were surprisingly refreshing.

They returned to their game and a few rounds later, Poe and Finn had them beat.

“You didn’t let yourself win in your own dream?” Kylo asked her.

“What fun is that?”

They enjoyed a few more snacks and drinks before the boys waved goodbye, heading away from the shore. Again, it was the Jedi alone on the beach. The sun was setting turning the sky a delightful pink. He was at peace staring out at the vast ocean.

Rey sat down on the sand and Kylo followed. The two watched the sun set and felt the end of the star’s warmth fade away.

“We should find a place to stay. You don’t want to catch a cold.”

“It’s a dream, Ben. I can’t catch a cold in my dreams.”

He said nothing to that. He’d almost forgotten in that instance that they were dreaming. He continued watching as the sky faded from pink to a deep all-encompassing midnight. The stars twinkled and he could watch them forever.

“I wish I never had to leave this place.” She mused.

“How do you ever wake up?”

She looked at him and seemed sheepish in her answer. “You’re usually not here.”

“What?”

“I have a hard time imagining you in this place.”

“Why?”

“This is a place with no sorrow. And... sorrow is all around you. It consumes you and I can’t imagine you without it.”

He didn’t know how to react. She was so incredibly right that he couldn’t argue against her. He was almost hurt though that he didn’t invade her dreams the way she invaded his.

“I didn’t say I don’t dream about you.”

He blushed at her obvious intrusion.

She didn’t seem to care, “I just never imagine you here.”

He looked up at the moon pushing back his hair to absorb more of its light. “Where,” a lump was forming in his throat and a pit in his stomach, “do you imagine me?”

Rey looked at him and he instinctively locked eyes with her. She was hard to read. He wanted to see what she was thinking but she seemed to gently push against him. It was a cruel twist of fate but one that seemed justified.

The wind picked up and he had to close his eyes. When it suddenly died down, he heard the lapping of a fire. He opened his eyes to see her in her familiar attire from when he’d first met her. The rags seemed out of place on her now, after their time training together, he’d grown accustomed to her cleaner clothing. They were in a small hut, facing each other in the firelight. He felt the familiar cling of his Sith armor and it almost suffocated him now.

“Where are we?” He looked at her only, he couldn’t fight his desire much longer. She was beautiful and powerful and though he felt her strength and knew she could easily end him, he felt her soul. She was so vulnerable.

Rey slowly extended her hand to him and he remembered the gesture clearly in his mind. It was familiar and intimate, like he could truly be free if he just touched her. He inched his hand towards hers and felt the familiar ache within him. He was so close. Her light brushed against him as the static of their skin meeting hit him.

He breathed in quickly and he hadn’t realized that he’d been looking at their hands instead of her.

She whispered gently, calmly, “This is how I dream of you.”


	2. Deprivation Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is literally just the porn.

Ben looked into her eyes and felt something moving within him. He didn’t know if he could stop it. He didn’t know if he wanted to stop. Her supple fingers against his callouses sent more shockwaves as she slowly intertwined their fingers.

He finally released a shaky breath. He was so weak.

“Ben.” His name was honey in her tone. He closed his eyes and hoped she’d say it again. He hoped she’d give him that. Even after all the wrong he’d done and all the good she did to save his soul, why was he never satisfied? Why could her simply being beside him never be enough? Why did he want her to heal him more than she already had?

He inhaled sharply and opened his eyes to meet hers again. She was so close. Her face was only inches from him and her free hand was inches from his scarred cheek. “Rey, I failed you.” He let it free, quickly, to save her. Maybe if she knew how horrible a teacher he truly was, she would release him, leave him. Let him out to lick his wounds.

“No.” She whispered and her fingers cradled his cheek. She hadn’t pulled away, she was moving closer. Her essence enveloped his senses and it was all he could do to not give in. She was at his ear now and her hand which held his let go and moved further up his arm to his shoulder. He swore that the long trail of her touch would burn through his sleeve and leave an imprint on his skin.

“I thought I knew what was best for you. I thought that if-“ He had to stop. Her lips were on his ear and he could feel her breath, hear her breath, rattle him. He groaned uncontrollably and immediately felt ashamed.

Rey’s hand on his shoulder moved upwards again and traced its way up his neck to his face. “Shh,” she whispered in his ear and sent a wave of electricity through him, “we can learn the ways of the Force together.”

He then slowly, painfully slowly, moved his newly-freed hand up behind her head. He felt her silky hair between his fingers as he fiddled with one of her buns. She’d pulled away from his ear and smiled at him. Her hand moved from his cheek to his hair and she too began to play with his locks.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and freed her lowest bun from its restraints. He undid the second one and relished in the last one as her hair cascaded down the sides of her face. He let his fingers roam freely through the strands, massaging her scalp slightly, and enjoyed the look of relief on her face at his touch.

Was she really alright with this? Having this monster touch her so freely? Did she forget his sins? Did she realize who she was with? He began to tremble, fear rising in him. His hands lowered away from her and onto his knees.

Softly, she grazed her thumb over his bottom lip. “Why are you afraid? Don’t you know how I feel?”

“How can you feel this way? Why would you ever want this?”

“You still see yourself as the creature in a mask.”

“Why don’t you?”

“Because you are not.” Her other hand reached up and touched his other cheek. Both of her hands were cupping his face. “You are Ben Solo. Not Kylo Ren.”

He looked away, “But I was. You can’t say I wasn’t and just make all I’ve done disappear.”

She reached a finger and moved a stray hair away. Then, with her thumb, brushed the scar she left across his face. “Hasn’t Ben suffered enough? How long will you deny him any happiness?”

Rey was beautiful. Her eyes pleaded for him to be honest, to let him feel the way she knew he did. “There are people in this galaxy that would say I could never suffer enough.”

“You are changing. You are doing everything you can to atone for the mistakes of Kylo Ren. Please, be free!” She quickly grabbed his hands from his lap and put them to her cheeks.

Her skin was warm beneath his fingers. Her eyes were filling with tears and he wanted desperately to fix what he’d done. He almost thumbed a stray tear away. But instead, he pulled her towards him and kissed the salty drop. It spread across his lips, moistening them, satiating a thirst he was unaware of until that moment. He kissed another tear away and heard her inhale sharply to prevent herself from crying more.  
Ben kissed the trails her tears left, the sides of her eyes where more tears escaped from, the space between her eyes and the bridge of her nose. He wanted to make it go away, to have her never cry again in his presence.

Finally, her tears slowed and in that moment of her gentle recovery, his lips met hers. The fingers of his left hand coursed through her hair while his right hand rested on her waist and pulled her closer, between his knees. Her body was flush with his and he couldn’t hold back any longer.

He couldn’t stop kissing her, her lips parted and he explored her mouth, tasting every inch of her. Her tongue, her teeth, the inside of her cheeks, everything was eager for his search. Finally, he broke away and breathed deeply, staring at her full lips. She gasped for a moment before steadying and he realized that she was watching his lips as well. He returned his lips to hers for a moment before descending down her chin and further down her neck. Her skin formed tiny bumps around where he’d kissed and he kissed them as well, wanting her to feel safe and warm. Her breath quickened and her hands raked through his hair, wanting more and he happily obliged by nuzzling down to her collarbone. He kissed it quietly, lapping it’s length with his tongue before moving up to her shoulder. A sharp inhale let him know he was doing what she wanted, that his movements were in line with all her fantasies. It excited him and he smiled into the crook of her neck.

Ben kissed up her neck, until he found her ear. His hands were at the edge of her outer layer of clothing. He whispered deeply, knowing his breath was warming and chilling her at the same time, sending static throughout her body, “Tell me what you want, Rey.”

She shuddered and replied with a grin, “You know what I want.”

He kissed her lobe and stroked with a single tendril of her hair. “I need you to say it, Rey. Please.”

She moved slowly to look in his eyes, her slender fingers brushing away stray hairs from his face. “I want to be with you. You have my heart, Ben, please have the rest of me too.”

Her honesty gave him courage. He knew what to do next and wanted nothing more than to be with her as quickly as possible, but he remained patient. He wanted to savor each moment, each glance, each exquisite moan as it escaped from her delicious lips. He wanted to be different with her. Selfless, caring, gentle.

Ben slowly separated her outer robe, revealing more of her strong shoulders. He felt her tense as he grazed her bare skin, returning to her neck and kissing it gently. He moved his hands down and found her belt. He paused before loosening it, making sure that she was truly confident in her decision. She apparently was as she helped him remove it after he’d fiddled for too long.

With the belt removed, her draping shawl fell to the floor, leaving her in her tunic and pants. Ben gingerly took the edge of her tunic and noticed her blush.

“We can stop at any time, Rey.” He’d said it, he meant it, but he also truly hoped she would allow him to continue.

Instead of answering him, she responded by removing her shirt on her own. She revealed her midriff and her bindings around her chest. It was his turn to blush. He didn’t know how to remove these binds. He’d never experienced them before. Where did the gauze begin and end?

She chuckled, “Not the sort of undergarments you’re used to?”

He felt a flicker of shame thinking back to all the useless and lonely evenings he’d shared with nameless women. He’d hoped they would provide some relief. They hadn’t.

Rey looked at him obviously having noticed his memories, “I just meant compared to yours.”

He pulled away from her, “I’m sorry. I-“

“Ben,” she gripped his arm tightly and pulled him close to her again, “I don’t care about that.”

He looked into her eyes, “You aren’t... disgusted?”

A small smirk traced her lips, “Perhaps it’s best that you’re... experienced.”

He held her cheek with his hand, “Experience is useless when it comes to you. You are so different, there is no comparison.”

“How am I different?”

Ben looked around the room and finally found her bed. He lifted her with strong arms and laid her on the small mattress of dried grass. He leaned over her at her side and touched her cheek. “Comfortable?”

Rey nodded, awaiting his next move. He leaned down and kissed her. His left hand caressed her hair while his right hand began at her cheek before it ventured south. He felt her skin and the cursed bindings on her breast as he journeyed lower. His hand brushed the skin on her stomach before coming to the waistband of her pants. He snuck his hand underneath and her moan edged him further before finding the precious bud with his fingers.

She broke the kiss and inhaled quickly. He waited and watched for her to change her mind. She opened her eyes and looked at him, pleading. His cheeks flushed and he heard his blood pumping in his ears. He continued to stroke her in a circular pattern. She closed her eyes again and let her head fall back, enjoying the sensations. He continued his caresses, increasing his pace as her hips wiggled, urging him on. He kissed her cheek and moved lower to her neck, doing his best to not leave any marks on her tender skin.

“Ben.” She moaned his name, turning her head toward him and he leaned up to meet her lips again. She was sweet and salty as his tongue found its way around her mouth again. He never wanted to stop tasting her, touching her, feeling her in his arms this way. She was lithe but powerful. He felt the Force moving through her and almost felt her pleasure as his fingers changed position and he began stroking up and down along her nub. In doing so, he moved lower and felt her center oozing a delightful serum.

He realized she’d been holding her breath on and off. When he paid particularly close attention, he noticed that when she held her breath, her lower half tensed. She was close, very close. He rubbed diligently but not roughly and gently brushed against her mind with the Force to find what would push her over the edge. He found what he was searching for and moved his lips to her ear, “Rey,” he whispered and heard her squeak, still holding her breath, “don’t hold back.” He smirked, playing into her dreams, “You know I can take whatever I want.”

She released with a breathy moan and he felt her pleasure in waves on his consciousness. He rubbed with an open palm now to allow her to come down from her peak. Her pool overflowed into his hand and he spread it along her center. She breathed heavily as the pleasure began to subside.

He took the opportunity to move over top of her and pull her pants down. He removed her shoes and pants after. He looked back up at her and saw her slowly unbinding the gauze around her breasts. In what was only a few seconds, her chest was freed and he gulped embarrassingly loudly. She giggled at his ogling and he laughed at himself.

“Are they to your liking?” She asked, reaching a hand out to his flushed cheek.

He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her, gently lying her back on the mattress. He trailed more kisses downward before allowing himself to enjoy this new part of her. With his right hand, he lightly took hold of a breast beneath him, while he took the other one with his mouth. He licked and then sucked on her mound while his hand teased her other nipple. He smirked at her happy squeals and shudders beneath him. It felt so good to make her happy. It was all he wanted from now on.

He pulled his mouth away from her delicious breast and let his other hand take over as he leaned up to kiss her again. After kissing her for a moment, he felt her excitement returning between her legs. He abandoned her breasts and he began to move south again between her legs.

“Wait!” Ben froze and stared at her. He backed away but she grabbed his wrist, “No, I mean,” she looked away and then back at him, “you’re still fully clothed. That doesn’t seem fair.”

He withdrew his wrist from her grasp and set to work. He removed his cloak easily, then his belt, then his shirt. He took some pride in watching her eyes widen at his bare chest. He remembered it fondly when she saw him for the first time in his chambers after a particularly long sparring practice.

“Better?” He asked as he leaned down to continue his work.

“You’ve still got on your trousers!” She whined.

He didn’t stop. He wouldn’t need them off just yet. He wanted her to know that her pleasure would always be before his. He was between her legs now, his hands under her thighs. He saw her blush and look surprised at him. She was so perfectly unprepared. Ben leaned forward and licked her center long and slow.

Rey let out a lustful gasp and he did his best to not forget his promise he’d made only moments before. He would make her know that he was grateful for her love and attention. He licked again, separating the curtains of skin and he heard her squeal joyously. He leaned up and found her pearl with his lips. He kissed and licked it reverently before placing fingers at the entrance to her sex.

Ben used the liquid from his own mouth combined with the liquid she secreted to loosen and lubricate her outer walls. He snickered after he’d breathed in and her tuft of hair tickled his nose during his intense performance. Then, his teasing ended when he felt her fingers grip his hair. He continued his reverent play by inserting a single finger into her. Her grip on his hair tightened as she released a brilliant moan. Her sounds egged him on and he continued his work.

Rey’s scent combined with her tangy taste was turning him into an animal. He forced his finger further, seeking something but to no avail. He adjusted his position and felt it necessary to add a second digit to the mix. The sounds that escaped were enticing him, encouraging him to free himself from his pants and while he desperately wanted to comply, he resisted.  
He felt her tensing again and reached his free hand up to her stomach. She shuddered at the new contact and he felt her release a pent up breath. He held his hand across her stomach while he licked and sucked her precious point. She was holding her breath. She was close again and he wanted her to find her release. What would it take to push her over the edge? His mouth was clearly busy so he couldn’t whisper in her ear, his hands were working either between her legs or at her stomach, checking her breathing.

He had an idea. Ben continued to lavish in her folds while his hand on her stomach reached up to grip her breast. He thought maybe he’d gripped it too hard but her low moans let him know he was doing just right. Using his mind, he sent her an image of herself from his perspective. She could see her own body being taken care of by the man she loved. While the image was good, it didn't push her over the edge.

He had another idea. Lifting her left leg over his shoulder, he began to sit up, adjusting the position, so that her lower half was raised up higher than her head level. The new position opened her more and he pushed his fingers in and out. He quickened his pace, feeling every inch of her. He noticed that with the new position, she had to start her breathing routine again. She tensed quicker this time and he felt her reaching their goal faster than he’d anticipated. He didn’t care he wanted her to finish. He wanted to make her feel good but he was also selfish. He was hard for her and it was difficult to keep himself from taking her. This was why he kept on his trousers. 

He felt her coming close with the tightness around his fingers. He lapped hungrily at her mound, wanting her juices to flow freely, wanting her to be freer than him. It was magical when he felt her core squeeze his fingers as she released a loud moan and his name over and over, “ _Ben, Ben, Ben_.” It was too good. He wanted more. He wanted to swim in her presence forever.

Slowly, he lowered her hips back down to the mattress. She was lost in ecstasy as he stood up and began to pull down his pants. He felt foolish nervousness as he stood bare before her. He’d never cared before but with Rey he only hoped she wouldn’t open her eyes and begin teasing him. Ben decided to stop waiting for her to open her eyes again, she was still panting and coming down from her high. He climbed on top of her and kissed her gently, allowing her to keep breathing but hungry for her lips. She squealed oddly and he pulled away.

“Are you alright?”

She was even redder now and she covered her face with her small hands, “You taste… different.”

He laughed and she buried her face even further into her hands.

“You’re breath too!”

He laughed again, “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about that.”

He lowered down to her neck and inhaled her new sweaty scent. It was heaven and he kissed her hungrily.

She put a hand behind his head and pulled him up to her lips again. She entered her tongue into his mouth easily and he felt her tense as she tasted herself on his tongue. He couldn’t help but laugh again, it was so cute.

She pulled away and he cursed himself for laughing. She smiled and said, “I just never thought about… tasting… it. It’s not… great.”

He leaned down to her ear and licked the lobe, “It’s my new favorite flavor.” He felt her roll her eyes and he stifled a laugh.

Suddenly, he was pushed back and then another shove laid him on his side beside her. She pushed him back one final time and he was lying on his back with her beside him. She rolled to her side and placed one small hand on his expansive chest.

Her other hand curled into his hair and massaged his scalp, sending him into a trance of euphoria. His eyes were closed as he felt her hand on his chest explore him curiously, tediously. Her hand roamed across him and down his torso before finally meeting the tuft of hair at his groin. He breathed in sharply as a finger teased him by trailing up his extension. He released the breath when her finger returned to where the rest lay at his base.

He attempted to calm himself, relax into her touch, but she was so good and he was so ready, it felt impossible to just lay there as she began to stroke him. Her nimble fingers teased him and he swore he was on fire. His breathing was uneven and became even more so as Rey moved herself up and over him. She kissed him so sweetly, as though she had no idea what he was in a huff about. He grunted into her mouth when her fingers went from gentle strokes to more of a grip around him. She pulled away from his lips and allowed him to breathe more freely but she continued her journey down his body, kissing every part of him. When she arrived at his chest, she tested the waters and took one of his nipples in her mouth. It was a strange sensation feeling her tongue play with him in such a way. It wasn’t as fantastic as the work she did below his waist but he enjoyed it all the same.

Rey kept going down his body and he moaned at each new feeling of her scorching lips on him. It was incomparable to anything he’d ever felt in his life. Before he knew it, those sweet lips were on his erection and it was all he could do to not buck into her. “Rey, wait.” He wasn’t sure how he felt about this strong, powerful woman doing something like what she was thinking, like what he really wanted her to do.

Her lips hovered just above him and she looked incredible, her hair was a mess and sticky strands clung to her face. Her brow gleamed in the low firelight. Her eyes bored into him and he swallowed loudly.

“I-” he stammered, “you shouldn’t. It’s beneath you.”

She smirked, she knew he was only saying it to preserve her, to protect her from something. But she was a woman, a strong woman, who knew what she wanted and could take whatever she wanted.

She took it slowly into her mouth and the sensation nearly blinded him. He threw his head back and basked in the feeling of being inside her. He felt her hum around him as she pulled it further into her. He released a breathy moan as her tongue played around him. She pulled up and away slowly, her lips creating suction that drove him mad. Then, just before he thought she’d release, she moved forward again driving him into her mouth once more. He clung to the sheets as his moans filled the air. This was different from anything he’d felt before. Her lips were full and inviting around him and he couldn’t help raise his hips lightly to meet her. He wanted more of her, all of her, he could never be satisfied. His hunger was building and he felt himself bulging with each agonizingly slow bob of her head.

He raked a hand through her hair, rougher than he’d intended and she whimpered, the vibrations running through him, “Rey, please.” He begged. He couldn’t stand it. He wanted release. He needed her to finish him.

But just as he was beginning to be more forceful in his movements, she pulled away, letting his stiffness hang before her. It twitched, wanting more and he winced at his eagerness. He was so close.

It was then that he realized that he was holding himself up on his elbows with a hand in her hair. His dark side almost pushed her down to finish what she’d started, but he resisted. He knew she had a plan. With a gentle nudge, she pushed him back down to the mattress and moved to be on top of him again. Her face was level with his and in an instant her lips were on his mouth. He explored it with his tongue and tasted a strange foreign flavor. She giggled, knowing his confusion, and separated from him. She sat back on his waist and smirked, “My new favorite flavor.”

He shuddered beneath her, she knew just what to say to drive him wild. He put a hand on her hip, thumbing between it and her thigh. Her soft skin against his fingers fueled him and he felt himself throb behind her.

“I’ll be honest,” she said softly, massaging his chest, “I’ve never done this before. I’m not sure what is best.”

His hand that was still entangled in her hair moved to hold her cheek. He smiled at her reassuringly and she lowered herself to kiss him. He used the opportunity to move her hips just over his and positioned her just above him. He breathed in deeply feeling her skin brush him for a second. Rey then moved a hand lower and took a hold of him, keeping him steady before finally lowering herself onto him.

She was slow as he entered her, she was incredibly tight around him, and he held her hips to slow her even more to assure her to take her time. She was slick with her own fluids that he’d coaxed from her. Her slickness made it easier and he hoped less painful. He checked her face and saw the pleasure mixed with pain and he wanted desperately to ease her. He gently pressed a finger to the jewel just above her entrance and she let out a pleased gasp.

“Take your time, Rey, I want you to feel good.”

“I do!” She moaned and quickly sat on him as his play on her mound pushed her over the edge. They both yelped, enraptured by the sensation of feeling each other joined. He had to pause his movements as he adjusted to the mind-blowing sensation of being inside her. He was also receiving her pleasure through the Force and it nearly finished him.

Ben found control of himself again and began to rub the precious nub with his thumb and that sent more pleasure through him. He felt each rub like a wave of fire through him. He wanted more, he kept rubbing and then she rocked. Her sudden bucking caught him off guard and he cried out her name feeling her glorious form moving around him. She didn’t stop and instead picked up her pace. Each thrust of her hips nearly destroyed him as he felt both his joy and hers with the movement. He rubbed her vigorously now, wanting her to climax around him. She was tightening and releasing in tandem with her thrusts. He wanted badly for her to feel her own freedom. With one hand working her lower half, he set his other hand on her breast to work it in unison.

The tiny orb fit perfectly into his hand and he gripped it powerfully. His grasp prompted a moan from his lover and he furthered her pleasure by tweaking her hard nipple between his fingers. She squealed in excitement and bucked in time with his groping. 

“Ben, I’m-” he felt her tightening around him, her hands on his chest twitching in sync with the bursts of pleasure he felt coursing through her. He took in a deep breath as he watched her reach up and grip her other breast and mimic his play. It was too good. He wanted to last, wanted to be with her longer, he restrained himself as she reached her third orgasm of the evening. She cried out and flung her head back, her hands falling to her sides. She was gorgeous releasing herself around him. It was too good. 

As she sat astride him, feeling the waves of pleasure, he knew her next one would be easy to replicate. He hoped he could make her come again and see her beautiful expression. Ben sat up and pulled her close, feeling her insides seep more of that precious juice. He rolled her over on her side and pulled out reluctantly. She moaned, wanting him to return. He moved behind her and lay on his side. He lifted up her leg and moved himself between her. He was back in her savory center and heard her moan in contentment. Ben flung her leg over his hip and returned his hand to just above her favorite spot. He began to pump into her, ecstasy filling him completely as he listened to her sweet cries.

His hand that wasn’t by her sex moved beneath her and cupped her tender breast from below. She cried out louder as he massaged the softness of her mound. He leaned up to her ear, doing his best to maintain an even tone, “I can’t hold out much longer.” She moaned at that. “But I want to feel you come again.” She whimpered as his fingers grazed her bud. She was already close again. It excited him beyond measure to know that he was the reason for her tension, her excitement, her pleasure. He breathed in her scent through her hair and enjoyed the light caresses of her tresses on his face. She tightened around him and he furrowed his brow, it felt as though she might consume him completely but he didn’t care, it felt so good.

“I want to see you,” she cried between thrusts. He took a moment and adjusted himself so he was leaning up on his elbow but still let his hands maintain their positions and work on her body. She looked up at him and her eyes were racked with relief to see him. He admitted that this angle wasn’t excellent for him but it provided enough for her and he could see her features in full as she climaxed around him one more time. Her consciousness was transported to another plane and she seemed to see him but also something more. He couldn’t wait any longer.

Ben flipped his lover on her back, pounced on her, and ground into her slick opening. She said nothing as he had his way and thrust hard and deep into her, not holding back anymore. He could tell she wanted to touch him and he gripped one of her limp hands and rose it to his cheek.

She kept it there as he lowered his hand to continue his work toward his own release. Her gentle hand was tender and reminded him of their first touch. He could feel the universe around them pushing them closer, eager for them to be together. The Force bound them for a reason and he knew that this had to be it. That initial electricity between them hadn’t been dark versus light, it was the raw energy of the Force, demanding they find release in each other. How had he told her she was nothing? That she came from nothing? He lied, he didn’t know, she wasn’t nothing. She was everything. She _was_ the Force. At this realization, he found his freedom. He pumped into her one final time and felt his climax move in her, filling her with his love for her.

He was shaking as he came down from the high. He opened his eyes to meet hers and there was unabashed relief in them. She looked delightful beneath him and he couldn’t help but kiss her. She wrapped her arms around him and he felt safe in her grasp. He moved slightly, pulling out of her and lying on his side to not crush her. The aftershocks coursed through him for a few more moments and he relaxed into them.

She touched his face and his breath slowed, feeling her calmed him and he was beyond grateful. He hadn’t realized how exhausted he was. He laughed, “Do you sleep in dreams?”

She smiled and moved a hair from his drenched face, “We aren’t dreaming.” He looked around him and noticed that they were on her bunk at the base. 

“How-?” He decided to not question it. He didn’t really care in all honesty. All he wanted was to sleep. His consciousness began to fade but he felt Rey get up from her bunk. He limply reached for her wrist but missed, “Where are you going?”

“The fresher. I’ll be back.” He felt like a child as he pouted but he couldn’t protest. She’d redressed when she turned back and kissed his forehead, “Don’t worry, it’s only because of hygiene. You don’t want me to get sick from lovemaking, do you? Then you’d have to answer to Master Luke. Or worse, Finn.”

He groaned and buried his face in her pillow. She was right, he knew, but still didn’t want to be apart from her. He heard her leave and turned to lay on his back. He couldn’t wait for her return, he’d already been losing consciousness and now listening to the quiet hum of the synthetic lights, he was out.

* * *

Rey left the fresher and did her best to smooth her hair but didn’t care too much as she was returning to her bed. She rounded a corner and was met with two familiar faces.

“Hey! Rey! You’re awake!” Finn said happily. Poe smiled at her and seemed to examine her face, looking for something.

“Oh, just to use the fresher. I’m going back to bed actually.”

“Did Kylo Ren come to see you?” Poe asked still searching her face.

“You mean Ben? Yes. He did. Why? Did he say something?”

“Uh…” Finn started, “We may have told him what you said the other day. You know, the _seducing to the Light side_ thing?”

She laughed with a touch of nervousness, “You told him about that?”

Poe intervened, “We let him know how stressed you were and that you’d only meant it as a joke.”

Finn continued, “He’s still learning how to have a sense of humor I guess.”

The two men laughed but Rey thought for a moment on her lover awaiting her in her room. She smiled mischievously at them, “I don’t see why you assumed I was joking.” She walked past them and felt their confusion as they watched her leave.

She only slightly heard Poe say, “That’s what it is, she’s got sex hair!” And then heard the familiar sound of someone being punched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for taking the time to read my piece. I’ve been informed that it’s rather long for a one-shot so I apologize.


	3. Indulgence: Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, whatever have I done? I've added more to an incredibly long story. I'm very sorry. This is turning into where I dump my extremely long drabbles. As will be the case if I ever do write more, plot in the first part, porn in the second.

Ben Solo wiped the sweat from his brow. They neared the end of their training for the day and his partner hadn’t let up for a second. He faced her and readied himself in an aggressive stance. Across the training ground, his target tensed, ready for him. She stood in perfect form as their master had trained her. Being Jedi trained in the ways of the Light Side, she and Skywalker were both better with defense. A glimmer of confidence flashed in her steely gaze. It was on.

He rushed her and swiped with only half of his strength which she easily blocked but with the remainder of his strength, he maneuvered quickly below her and attempted to flip her. She was prepared for this and flipped easily, landing on her feet with her weapon set to block his next attack. Their wooden sabers met and he used brute force to push her back. However, she used his strength as a starting point and rolled backwards to gain more distance. She was still prepared with her weapon and he continued berating her, getting closer and closer to having her right where he wanted her. And just as he was about to deliver the final blow, he felt something push him back. He let his hands fall to his sides limply and unabashedly pouted at his opponent.

“No using the Force, Rey! We talked about this!”

He easily blocked her next swing with the saber and attempted to strike back but quickly had to block again. She began swinging quickly and he had to step backward to maintain his footing. Rey was easily overpowering him until he heard softly in his mind, “ _ Use what Skywalker said this morning. _ ” In that instant, he gagued his surroundings and as she attempted an overhead strike, Ben moved to the side. As her sword struck the ground, he knocked her shoulder sending her to the floor. However, she quickly turned as she fell and held up her saber to meet his as it nearly grazed her neck.

He watched her smug expression and couldn’t help but smile. Even on her back, she still had the upper hand. She still had her sword  _ and _ her foot was at his ankle ready to knock him off his feet with a swift kick.

He rolled his eyes and withdrew his saber, “It was only because you used the Force on me. It caught me off guard.”

She stood up and dusted herself off, “I should hope the same goes for anyone who tries to attack us.” That wasn’t the answer he was hoping for. She waved her hand dismissively as they headed to the rack to put away their weapons. “Don’t worry, I won’t use it unless absolutely necessary.” Still not what he was hoping for. “And besides, how else are you going to learn proper defense if you’re always the one on offense?”

Ben returned his weapon and grabbed his linen cloak, “The Jedi never use the Force as an attack.”

“I wasn’t!”

“What I mean is Jedi aren’t supposed to attack at all. Defense is the way of the Jedi.” He was looming over her and she looked up at him with unmoving eyes.

“Then why do you insist on being the attacker?”

“It’s what I’m best at.” He looked away and headed for the exit. “Besides, the way of the Jedi is lost to me, I can’t truly be a Jedi with what I’ve done.” He looked back at her and she looked disappointed, as though she knew he was right but still found it unfair. He returned to her and brushed a stray hair from her face, “But I can help you. And I’ll do anything I can to make you the best.”

She crossed her arms and looked up at him, he tried to understand what she was thinking but she seemed conflicted.

He backed away from her and turned to leave again, saying, “You should go clean up and get some dinner. You did a lot today.”

“Ben!” She called. He stopped and looked back. “Would you,” she hesitated, “like to have dinner with the rest of us?”

He looked around and furrowed his brow slightly. She’d asked this a few times in the past week. Ever since their afternoon together in her bunk. He didn’t know how to respond and usually tried to sidestep the question. However, today he asked, “Do you think,” he thought a second more, “do you think that’s a good idea?”

She approached him with an effortless sway and took his hand, “You can't hide from them forever.”

He avoided her gaze, “I know but,” he trailed off.

Rey only answered with a smile and brushed his face gently, “It’s alright. Whenever you’re ready.” She pulled away and left the training arena and he looked back down at his hand that she’d held and thought for a moment more before also retiring.

She said that every time. And each time he was grateful for her patience. He didn’t want to disappoint her but he was truly apprehensive at the idea of sitting around with people he’d actively tried to kill. With Rey it was different. He had gotten to know her in a way that was safe for the both of them. They couldn’t attack each other through their bond, and Snoke had used their understanding of each other to lure her to him. The Supreme Leader had used his apprentice in a way to trick Rey. The thought made him sick and ashamed. But that she was still with him, that she’d continued to trust him despite his failings, he wasn’t sure what to attribute that to. He wanted to believe it was her own choice and her own compassion that led her to forgive him. But he couldn’t help the growing fear in his stomach that he’d somehow played into Snoke’s hand by actually seducing the padawan. 

After freshening, Ben opened the door to exit the fresher and head to his room. However, instead of an empty hallway, he almost toppled over a much smaller person.

She jumped back with a squeal and he wasn’t sure how to respond aside from putting up his hands to let her know he meant no harm. It was Rose.

“Sorry!” She recovered and put her hands behind her head, rubbing her scalp nervously.

“Can I help you?” He asked, slowly exiting the fresher but not turning his back on her. “This is the men’s fresher, you know.”

She crossed her arms in an attempt to seem casual, “I know! I, uh, had to ask you something.” He continued to back away from the door, prompting her to follow until they were walking alongside one another back to his room.

“What do you need?”

She wrung her hands together, seeming to work on a reply. He kept his eyes forward, waiting for it and when he was about to reassure her that she could speak freely with him, she finally asked, “When are you just going to eat with us?”

He stopped and looked at her. She looked up at him, afraid and anxious, he hated that. “I don’t know if that is a good idea.”

“Why not?! You’re,” she trailed off. She hadn’t really thought of an argument.

“I know how you all see me. I don’t think that eating our meals together would fix that.” He continued on to his room, hoping to end the conversation there.

She caught up to him easily despite her shorter strides, “I think you’re overthinking it.” She smiled, trying to reassure him.

He stopped and faced her again, “I appreciate what you’re trying to do but-”

“No, you know what, I shouldn’t have to explain this.” She suddenly gained all the confidence she needed. Her dark eyes locked with his in resounding strength, something all the women around him seemed to have in plenty. “Come eat with us. Rey wants you to. We sit at the third table from the door. You’ll see us.” She turned around and marched away and all he could do was watch helplessly. He was trapped now. Both women had asked him to join their dinner. Well, one had asked and the other  _ commanded _ .

Ben made his way to Rey’s room and opened the door to find her, Finn, and Poe chatting. He almost stepped back and away until Rey cried out in joy, “Ben!”

He stayed and looked between the three of them, ready to flee, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Not at all,” Rey continued getting up from her bunk, “we were just heading to the mess hall.”

“You comin’?” Poe asked, looking him straight in the face, almost digging into him with his gaze. Ben felt a lump in his throat and did his best to seem resolved.

“Actually, I just wanted to talk to Rey.” The two men stared at him blankly, clearly steadfast. He tried again, “It’s Jedi business.”

Poe let out a long sigh and Finn responded, “Look, you get to spend all day with her talking about Jedi and Force  _ business _ . But during dinner, can’t you let her spend time with her friends? Please?”

Ben felt nervous and backed away, “Right. Sorry.” He quickly left to make his way back to his room.

“Ben, wait! They’re only joking!” Rey hurried after him and grabbed his arm tenderly. He whirled around and Poe and Finn were at the door smirking behind Rey.

He knew his eyes were massive and his jaw tensed reflexively. He looked at her nervously and back at her friends and finally back at her.

She read him easily and let go of his arm, “You don’t have to join us. I just don’t want you to feel like you  _ can’t _ join us.”

Poe maintained his smirk, “Yeah,  _ Ben _ , come on! Have dinner with us! We’re not  _ all _ murderers, traitors, and thieves.”

Ben let out a low sigh as Finn snickered. Rey looked back at them and apparently succeeded in shutting them up. She returned a hopeful gaze to Ben and he asked her through the bond,  _ Is this how I’m going to make up for all my transgressions? By having horrible dinners with everyone who hates me? _ Her gaze was steady but there was a twinge of hurt.  _ I’ll be honest, I’d rather be physically tortured. _

She frowned and turned away, returning to her friends. “Let’s go. I’m starving.” Finn followed close behind but Poe stared at Ben and shook his head slowly before turning to follow them. 

Ben attempted to reach into Rey’s mind but was met with a titanium wall. He huffed and returned to his room. After the door closed behind him, he laid on his bed and glared up at the ceiling. What was he doing? Why was he acting this way and messing things up with Rey, the only one who’d showed him any kindness? He blushed remembering the other afternoon. He’d told himself for so long that he didn’t deserve forgiveness, but Rey had made it clear that she had forgiven him. Although, doubt began to rush in. They hadn’t been together in that way since then. She made it clear that she desired him and wanted to keep forgiving him whenever they got the chance. But she hadn’t come to him or allowed him anything more than a brush of skin. Had she come to her senses? He was being selfish. What more could he possibly want? She’d forgiven him and she’d keep forgiving him.

Then it hit him. She’d forgiven him, but her friends hadn’t. Did she want their approval before continuing whatever they had? If they forgave him, would she let him touch her again? But he couldn’t sway her friends the way he’d swayed her. He had tortured one, nearly killed the other, and ultimately had destroyed hope across the galaxy for everyone else. Maybe, in the end he didn’t want them to forgive him. It would be easier to just give in to the hatred he felt from everyone when he’d first arrived. 

Thinking on it, though, he began to realize that people glared at him less and less. He seemed to not strike as much fear in people. And no one seemed as surprised whenever he rounded a corner, unless it was Rose who was naturally jumpy.

His stomach grumbled and brought him out of his thoughts. He reached under his bunk for his stash of rations he’d kept for when he was particularly unlikely to go out. It turned out to be more nights than he’d planned and he couldn't find anything but empty wrappers. He laid back with a sigh. It seemed the Force was pushing him to have dinner with everyone. He took a deep breath and sat up.

Ben crossed his legs in a meditative position and began to relax his mind. He looked for Rey and hoped that her wall had lowered. Apparently in her merriment, it had. He saw her smiling and felt her joy. It almost made him smile. Then, Rey’s eyes locked with his. Her smile wavered before continuing her conversation, pretending he wasn’t there. He swallowed and then opened his eyes back on his bunk. He stood up with an audible exhale, and left his room.

Her eyes brightened when she saw him enter the mess hall and he did his best to hide the smile that was forming. The others looked up to him and they had to force smiles on seeing him. That kept his optimism in check. However, Poe grabbed a seat for him and set it at the table between himself and Rey. Ben nodded to him and sat down between them.

Poe picked up his dinner roll and picked off a bit, flicking it into his mouth. While chewing he smirked and said, “Rey was just telling us about how she kicked your ass at practice today.”

Ben inhaled nodded, “She’s been getting better. We stopped using our previous technique and it’s working more to her advantage.”

Rose piped up, “What technique were you using before?”

Poe replied, not missing a beat, “You remember how Rey was just the worst the past few weeks?” Rose looked nervously between all of them but Poe continued nodding, “That was why.”

Finn responded, “She wasn’t  _ the worst _ . Just,” he trailed off, noticing Rey’s jaw tightening.

“Tense.” Ben agreed. “We were practicing cutting Rey from the Force that connected her with myself and Master Skywalker. It was a technique that he and Snoke used on me in my early years of training.”

“But if Snoke used it, why would you do it? Wasn’t he…” she didn’t finish the thought.

“The worst?” Finn continued.

“Well, yes, he was.” Ben acknowledged.

“That’s why you killed him.” Poe said with a smirk and drank his deep, caramel colored drink greedily.

Finn laughed and Rose looked increasingly nervous as she looked between them all. She let out an apprehensive laugh to mimic Finn. Rey was looking down at her bowl and Ben grit his teeth.

“Oh relax. I’m kidding! I know why you did it.”

Ben looked at him confounded. He felt Finn and Rey both shoot the pilot an aggressive look. 

Ben looked at Rey and Poe finished, “It was for Rey.”

Rose and Ben seemed to be equally in the dark but Ben was a darker shade of red in his confusion. Rose looked at Poe, “What does that mean?”

“Ben, aren’t you hungry?” Rey asked, “Let’s go get you some food.” She grabbed his arm and he couldn’t protest as she used the Force to help him up from his seat. They made their way to the stew pot and she poured him a bowl.

“What did he mean by that?” Ben asked as he took the bowl from her and took a spoon and dinner roll.

“He’s been drinking, you shouldn’t listen to anything he says.” She started back towards the table but he stood firm.

“What have you told them?”

“Just about how we defeated Snoke together.”

“Have you told them about,” he lowered his voice glancing back at the table before giving her a look.

She looked at him plainly, “How we made love?”

He forged past her, “Forget it! Forget I asked!” He sat down in his seat and looked at Poe. Apparently, the pilot thought he knew the whole story. Ben was going to ensure that he understood the reasoning behind his betrayal of the Supreme Leader, “Would you like to know happened in Snoke’s chamber? According to the one who killed the Supreme Leader?”

Poe put down his drink and look at him intrigued. Rose and Finn both looked at him expectantly while Rey sat down calmly.

Ben continued, “Alright. We entered his chamber.”

“Rey as your  _ prisoner _ .” Finn reminded him.

“As  _ Snoke’s _ prisoner.” Finn rolled his eyes and Ben let it slide. He was determined to have them see it his way. “We entered his chamber and he proceeded to interrogate Rey.”

“You mean torture.” Poe said while nibbling on a bit of his roll. His eyes were critical but nonchalant at the same time.

“Yes.”

“Because you know interrogating and torturing aren’t necessarily the same, right?”

Ben looked at him, waiting for anything else. Poe continued to chew his roll and stared at him, waiting for him to continue. He did, “Right, he was,” he paused, “torturing Rey, and then he set her in front of me and ordered me to kill her.”

Rose’s eyes widened as she listened, she hadn’t heard this part of the story apparently.

“Instead, I trained my thoughts -because he saw in my mind- to focus on keeping my plans vague. He was distracted by the idea of me destroying Skywalker’s prodigy, that he didn’t see what was clearly happening.” Rose was his ally. Her expression gave her away. “I moved my grandfather’s lightsaber to face him. And just turned it on.”

“That’s amazing!” Rose said excitedly.

Rey took control of the narrative, “And then, he called the lightsaber and I caught it and together we beat the guards in Snoke’s chamber. It was incredible! We were so in sync, it was like nothing I’ve ever done or even  _ seen _ before.” She paused and then looked at him bashfully.

Ben nodded looking at her reassuringly, “I’ve never fought with anyone like that either.”

Rose looked between them with a small, knowing grin that made Ben a little sheepish. He started on his dinner then and didn’t want to add any more to the conversation.

“And then what?” Rose asked.

He wiped his mouth with a napkin and looked confused.

“How did you escape?”

Rey smiled, “We escaped on Snoke’s escape pod. Then, we made it to the Millenium Falcon.”

Finn laughed, “Tell her what Chewie did when he saw him!”

Ben swallowed a mouthful of soup. Rey leaned forward and grabbed her glass, “Chewie wasn’t happy to see him.” She took a sip of water, not wanting to divulge in this mockery.

Rose looked between them all, “Wha-”

Finn burst, “He knocked him out!” He and Poe laughed together and Rose looked confusedly amused. 

Ben continued to eat, not wanting to give away his embarrassment. 

Finn continued, “I mean, he killed his own father, Chewie’s co-pilot, and then expects to jump onto the ship and just be in the Resistance!”

Ben attempted to defend himself, “Well,” his mouth was full and he swallowed quickly, “I didn’t expect to be a part of the Resistance necessarily.”

“Oh yeah?” Poe asked, “Then what was your plan?”

He flushed. It only became clear to him recently why he’d joined the Resistance in the first place. He always knew why, but coming to terms with it was difficult. Especially in front of the present company. After all, it didn’t seem very heroic to say that he switched sides because of a girl.

Rey read his panic and interceded, “He joined because I told him about his mother and how much she missed him. How it was time to make things right.”

Poe looked at Rey and shook his head, “Nah, you’ve been covering his ass for too long, I want  _ him _ to say it. And say the truth. The truth we all know.”

“If you all know it, then why do I need to say it?”

“You can’t hide forever, bud. We already know you two bumped the other day!”

Ben flushed and looked at Rey who had pulled her lips into a tight line and was just as crimson as he was. He looked back at Poe, “ _ What _ ?”

“Don’t play dumb!” Ben could only assume that the liquor had hit him hard. His candor was more outrageous than usual. “We know you did it. Just fess up and we’ll keep going easy on you!” He took another swig from his glass.

“You think this is  _ easy _ ?” Ben’s dinner roll disintegrated in his hand and fell in crumbs to the floor.

“Comparatively, yeah.”

“Compared to what?”

Poe stared calmly at Ben’s mounting rage. He’d been waiting for this for a while, “Interrogation.”

Rey interceded, “Poe. Don’t.”

Ben’s rage plateaued as he looked into the half-lidded eyes of his tormentor. “You,” he hesitated and then searched his hands, littered with crumbs, for the words. He looked back up at the pilot, “You really do still hate me.” He knew it was true, why was it such a surprise?

Poe nodded. “And you’ve got these nice ladies fooled, but I know you. I’ve seen what you’ve done. I saw you kill  _ all _ those people. You ‘interrogated’ me with your sick mind powers. You had Finn in sickbay for  _ days _ . That’s not something you just forget after a few months of schmoozing. And if we’re all being honest, we all know the only reason you’re still alive is because of who your mom is. And now, who your girlfriend is.”

Ben’s rage began its deadly ascent. Leaving the plateau behind to venture into the reaches of the stratosphere. Every part of him screamed in rage, wanting to bash in the head of this arrogant prick. He would destroy him on the table where everyone could see. Everyone would know not to toy with him. They would fear his-

He stopped. He breathed in, and out. He got up. And he left. He wouldn’t play into this game. He was going to be better. Not the best. The best of men would have defended himself the right way. The best of men would have defended Rey and his mother. But it was all he could do to simply turn away and not destroy everything he could see.

After leaving the mess hall, he didn’t go to his room. He didn’t go to the training grounds. He didn’t go to Skywalker or his mother for guidance. Instead, he left the base entirely and only came to realize his surroundings in the thick of a snowy, evergreen forest. He looked up and felt the gentle flakes bite into his skin. This was good. The cold would calm him, distract him, allow him time to reflect on how to handle the storm brewing in his gut.

Ben continued on, the only sound being the crunch of snow beneath his feet. Colors retreated, only black and white, and the haze of gray that hung between the black of the tree and the white of the snow. His heavy breath joined the sound of crunching. The pumping of his blood echoed in his ears, louder than any of the crunching, panting, or sniveling.

Ben stalled his journey at a small clearing in the woods. He stood in the center and attempted to clear his mind. He could see the heat of his breath form into clouds of condensation in front of him. This was good, he convinced himself. The numbing power of the cold would help him relax. The snow would encase him and freeze him, keep him from hurting anyone. He would be able to focus in on the Force and not on what Dameron had said, not on his smug face, and not on his words that only made him want to eviscerate the entire compound. 

_ It would be easy to accomplish _ . A familiar hissing voice whispered in the encroaching darkness of his thoughts. He drew his newly crafted green lightsaber and quickly turned around. He was in the familiar interrogation room. Poe Dameron sat in the chair glaring at him. Ben clenched his fist, withdrew his weapon, and returned it to his belt.

_ Why do you turn from your destiny? Why do you pull away from my teachings? _

Ben clenched his jaw and glared at Dameron. He extended his open hand to release him and saw the familiar black glove guarding his fingers. He realized then that he was wearing the mask he’d destroyed. That he was no longer Ben Solo, but Kylo Ren again. He looked down at himself and saw the familiar layers of black shrouding him. He looked back up at his prisoner and saw the contempt in his eyes.

_ This is where you take your revenge, my apprentice. Here, in the recesses of your mind, you can torture your enemies to your heart’s content. You can destroy them freely. _

“To what end?”

_ To the only end, Kylo Ren. His end.  _ **_Their_ ** _ end. _

Kylo swallowed hard, looking into the eyes of the man who hated him. His hand was still extended, and he hated how it trembled so unassuredly. 

“Do it.” Poe said, his eyes steady and prepared. “Show them who you really are. That you’ll never change. That you’re still a scared little kid,” slowly, Dameron’s voice harshened, he began to meld into another form, a ghost, the ghost of Ben Solo’s father, “trying to impress dear, old Dad.”

Suddenly, the interrogation room crumbled away and he was on the platform where he’d committed that fatal sin. Han Solo approached him, “Come on, son. You already know you’re not a Jedi. That you’d never be a Jedi. That no one believed in you. You’ve always had the darkness in you.”

Kylo felt his anger balling in his stomach as the smug pilot approached him.

“Just run me through, kid. You did it  _ so easily _ before.”

He drew his saber and with a primal cry lit it to reveal the electric red he’d always known. He thought that was easy? Solo smirked at him and Kylo returned it with his own smug fury. It wasn’t before, but seeing his father’s contempt, it made it much easier. He’d killed him once, he could do it again. He could feel the darkness mounting within him, ready to consume him. Then, surprising himself, Kylo Ren sliced down, splitting the bridge between them, and turned away from his father. Then, he was transported to Snoke’s chamber.

“You can’t turn from what you’ve done.” Snoke said, his figure clear and alive in his throne, “You are the heir to the Dark Side. You will never be anything else.” His master extended his arm and the red room melted away.

Then Rey was before him in the snow, in the evergreen forest. Her hair was tied up in three buns, and her desert rags made him shiver for her. A scowl marred her face and her eyes burned with achingly unforgettable fury. He dropped his weapon but before it hit the ground, she stabbed him in the shoulder. He dropped to his knees before her, reaching for his wound but she sliced across his face with his grandfather’s lightsaber. He fell to the ground, the pain searing his cheek, burning like nothing before, yet painfully familiar. He screamed in pain, lying on the ground. The memories of everyone’s pained faces, Poe’s in the chair, his father’s as he ripped through him, Rey’s at the hands of Snoke, which he’d failed to prevent. He saw villagers, prisoners, nameless stormtroopers scream and beg for mercy before he tortured, maimed, or killed them.

Kylo Ren closed his eyes, hoping to block his view, but it was useless. His victims were imprinted in his mind. Their pain was embedded into his soul. He’d never be free. He didn’t deserve to be free. He wanted his victims to be freed in his own demise. He opened his eyes to look at the forest sky but saw Rey standing over him with her saber drawn. The blue light illuminated her features, making her appear to him as an angel of death.

“Please,” he whispered. Then he felt a surprisingly warm hand on his scarred cheek. For some reason, it didn’t burn anymore.

“Ben, you’re cold as ice!” He heard her say.

He was shivering. Rey was over him now, her lightsaber gone and she looked different from how he saw her a moment ago. Soft strands of unbound hair fell past her shoulders. Instead of her scavenger garb, she wore a gray cloak but she quickly removed it to wrap him up.

“You have to get up. We’ll get you back to the base and get you warm.”

He let out a shaky breath and saw the heat hit her. He couldn’t control his shivering and his teeth threatened to break themselves from chattering.

She put and arm under him and pulled him up quickly. She then maneuvered somehow so that he was over her as she stood up. His feet were flat on the ground but his legs would not hold him. “Come on,” she said, “please try.”

Then, he felt another set of hands take hold of him and put his arm around their shoulder. He looked clumsily at the new set of shoulders and said between chatters, “F-Finn.”

“Come on, it’s not too far. We can make it like this.”

“Hold on.” Another masculine voice said.

“I’m perfectly capable.” Rey said.

“Not the point.” He replied and Rey was replaced by Poe Dameron. He settled Kylo’s arm on his shoulder, “Alright. Now let’s go.”

He looked ahead to see Rose as well as she and Rey took the lead. Kylo did his best to move for himself until Poe shrugged and reminded Kylo of how weak he really was.

“Don’t even think about it.” Poe said. “You can get in a better swing when you aren’t half-frozen.”

Kylo couldn’t stop shaking and felt his consciousness fading. All he could mutter was, “Sorry.” And even then it was slurred to the point that he could barely understand. He closed his eyes, wanting nothing more than to fall asleep. Even his eyelashes were cold as they hit his lower lids.

Suddenly, a hand gripped his hair tightly and pulled his head up. “Nope! No sleeping till we get back.”

Rey looked back at him and he saw she was racked with worry. Even so, the snow looked like stars in her hair. Or flowers. Both probably. She looked forward again but spoke to him through the bond,  _ Stay with me. _

_ So tired. _

_ Why did you come out here in the first place? I’ve been looking all over for you. _

_ You couldn’t sense me? _

_ I tried. But for some reason, you seemed further away. Almost systems away. I had to meditate just to be sure you were still on the planet. _

_ I’m... _ He was losing consciousness again  _...sorry. _

_ Ben, what were you doing out here? _

_ Had to run. Get away.  _ He was looking at the snowy forest floor. The pattern Poe and Finn carried him was in sync to the point of hypnotizing.

It was Finn’s turn to grab the former Dark Knight by the back of his head and wake him up. He cried out in shock and annoyance.

“Don’t worry, Ben!” Rose called back to him. “We’re almost there! Should we talk to him to keep him awake?”

Rey responded, “That’s a good idea. Boys, do you have anything you’d like to say?”

Poe sighed loudly. Then Finn said, “I’ll be the bigger man and apologize first. Ben, I’m sorry for teasing you at dinner. You’re still learning about friendship apparently. We were just messing around but were also being jerks about it. Again, I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Finn.” Rey nodded at him from over her shoulder. “Poe?”

“Look, we’re all pretty used to my antics, aren’t we?”

“Not  _ all  _ of us.” Rose obviustated.

“Don’t.” Kylo said. He continued between shaky breaths, “Don’t need to.”

“See? He gets it.”

“He’s delusional.” Finn observed.

“So then your apology doesn’t count either.”

“Mine counts! I actually apologized! And you know what, I didn’t even do anything  _ that  _ bad. I was just saying it so you didn’t feel like the asshole. Which, let’s face it, you are.”

“I’m drunk!”

“You didn’t even finish your one glass!”

“Um,” Rose interrupted, “Ben, are you ok?”

He hadn’t noticed it until she’d asked but he’d had a small content smirk on his face. He was actually amused by their bickering. And their combined body heat had started to radiate onto him and warm him. He felt the blood try to rush to his cheeks but his pulse was still very faint and it took some time for a blush to form. “Fine. Just cold.” He mumbled and Rose laughed at her own question.

Then he saw Rey looking at him again. Her eyes were dark in the evening but the moon graced itself by shining its light on her. The blush continued to form on his face. Then, it wasn’t just the moonlight on her as they made their way into the base. The low yellow lights of the structure weren’t as tantalizing as the moonlight but they did allow him to see her better. Once inside, he saw her in the bright light of the interior. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold and her nose shined a bright red.

“It looks like your color is already coming back,” Rose observed.

“We still need to get him to sickbay to ensure he hasn’t lost a toe or something.” Finn countered.

The rest of the way was silent until they laid him down on the exam bed. Rey moved her cloak over him to use as a blanket. Meanwhile, Poe groaned and rolled his shoulders, “Geez, Rey, did you have to fall for the biggest guy in the First Order?”

“Shut up.” She dismissed him with a wave of her hand and leaned over Kylo Ren. She brushed some stray, damp hairs away. Her slim fingers were chilled from their exposure.

“You’re welcome!” Poe exaggerated.

She turned from her caregiving and Kylo could tell she was glaring at the tipsy pilot. “Get. Out.”

He heard Poe, Finn, and Rose leave. A nurse arrived and did a bio-scan to check his vitals. She did a few more tests and allowed him to stabilize before giving him the go-ahead to return to his bunk. She gave him a few extra blankets and some tea before returning to her other duties.

After finishing the tea, Kylo gingerly stood up, his strength having slightly returned. Rey held his arm to keep him steady. She returned to his room with him and when she reached for the fastenings on his belt, he stopped her by putting his hands on hers. 

He moved them away feebly. “It’s fine.” He said weakly, “I can take care of myself.” He turned toward his bed and set the blankets down before removing his cloak. He was cold again without it and began to shiver slightly. 

Then, from behind him, her arms wrapped around him and she was back to removing his belt. Her body against his back was warm and he wanted to relax into her embrace. But now was not the time.

“Rey.” He grabbed her hands to stop her.

“What is wrong with you? Just let me help you!” She fought him and easily won out as his belt fell to the floor with a smack. She continued, removing his robe and letting it fall to the floor over his belt.

He turned and gripped her arms and she inhaled sharply at how cold his hands were. She looked at him, regaining her composure. “You should go to your friends.” He said, hating how his shoulders shaking made him seem weaker than he intended.

“Why?” She was completely thrown by the idea and he lowered his hands as he sat on his bunk.

“You’ve done enough. You should be with them. You can thank them for me.”

“You can thank them yourself in the morning. Now hold still.” She took hold of his tunic but he quickly grabbed her arms.

“Are you joking? You know I’ve seen you naked.”

He flushed at her immodesty. “We can’t do that again. We can’t let this happen again. I shouldn’t distract you.”

“Excuse me? You give yourself a lot of credit.” She yanked his tunic over his head and he hardly protested now. She knew he didn’t mean any of what he said. “ _ Shouldn’t distract me _ . Honestly.” She barely folded the tunic and seemed to do it more as a habit than as a courtesy to his clothes.

“You know I’m right.” He said as she set his loosely folded tunic on his dresser. “Don’t you want to be a Jedi Master? You’re going to have to cut ties with the material world sooner or later.”

“Oh, yes, because that worked so well last time.”

He was shirtless before her and the cold was still in his bones. Rey was still nervous at the sight of him. She talked a big game, but to see him in the intimate setting of his room, alone, it still made her cheeks a dusty rose color. He grabbed a blanket from the bed and wrapped it around him. He sniffled and she couldn’t help but bite her lip to hold back a smile. “What?” He asked.

“You look like a child. Pouting in your blanket.”

He glared at her.

“Aww,” she brushed his hair back and winced at the cold, wet strands. She wrapped another blanket around him, this one covered his hair. He was thoroughly wrapped above the waist but his legs still hung over the side of the bed and he noticed how much colder his toes were than his fingers. He scooted back on the bed and pulled his knees to his chest, covering them in his blanket.

She didn’t stop looking at him in that frustrating manner. “Stop it.” He pouted.

“Your toes would warm faster if you took your shoes off. They’re damp from the snow.”

He didn’t move.

“Come on.” She reached her hands under the blanket and found his boots, pulling them off easily and dumping them on the floor. She removed his socks then and all that was left were his pants. But he would fight her if she tried to remove those.

Rey didn’t attempt to take them and instead added one more blanket, this time wrapping herself in it beside him. She rested her head on his shoulder.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

His shivers were dying down but he didn’t want to speak. He wanted to sleep.

“It’s ok. You don’t have to.”

“Don’t try to find it.” He said after one final shiver as his body temperature adjusted to the blankets.

“I wasn’t planning on it.” He felt a smooth wave of calm brush against him. He breathed in and relaxed. Then he felt a soft trembling beside him. He looked at her and noticed that she was shivering now.

Kylo, Ben, whoever he was, wrapped himself around her and pulled her to lay down beside him in his bed. Separated only by a blanket, he felt her small figure curl into him among his arms and legs. He would warm her until she soaked with hot sweat instead of snow. The idea caused him to blush and he heard Rey let out a small snicker.

She turned around to face him in his arms and leaned forward. He didn’t pull away as her lips met his in a soft kiss. He didn’t add anything to her gesture but allowed the peace her lips brought to wash over him. She separated after a moment and stared at him. His half-lidded eyes fed on every last bit of her features before he finally gave in to sleep.


	4. Indulgence: Part 2

Ben opened his eyes to see foreign stars in the night sky. He heard the sound of waves and as he sat up, felt the familiar grit of sand beneath him. He looked around for any sign of Rey but didn’t see her immediately. He looked out into the ocean and then he saw her.

She was waist-deep in the water with her back facing him. Her pale skin shone in the moonlight only to be contrasted by her dark, wet hair. It flowed past her shoulders as if wanting to meet with the water below. He swallowed hard at the sight. He didn’t want to interrupt whatever she was doing. Even if she was just watching the night sky, he didn’t want to interfere with her thoughts.

It wasn’t long before she turned slightly and reached out her hand to him. The change of position allowed him to see that she was in her beach clothes, and he kicked himself for having hoped she wasn’t. He too was dressed in his previous swimwear and should’ve expected as much.

Ben stood finally and obeyed her command. The water was pleasant, it didn’t have the intensity that the night usually brings to tides. Instead, it was gentle in its pull around him as he joined her.

Her eyes never wavered from him as he approached her. She took his large hand and tangled their fingers together familiarly. She faced him now and he was pulled to her as though she were his source and he was returning home. His lips met hers and he rejoiced in their gentleness. He’d missed them and had forgotten how long it had been since he’d felt her this way.

He told himself that she needed space, time, that she was restraining herself. That she was awaiting the approval of her friends. He told himself a thousand excuses as to why she didn’t come to him in the night and make love to him again. He may never know what took so long, they might not even be together tonight, but all he wanted in this moment was to feel her and kiss her until the sun came up.

Ben reached his hand up to her cheek and felt the wet of the ocean on her soft skin. He wiped her cheek with his thumb, rubbing the water into her. He moved his hand slightly and took her chin, opening her mouth to allow his tongue inside. He couldn’t deny his hunger anymore. He hummed into her salty flavor as he tasted her again. He felt his chest aching, wanting more. But at that feeling, he pulled away.

Rey opened her eyes and gazed at him with what he could only hope was love. She reached her hand up to touch his chest and he flinched only slightly at the cool touch of her wet hand. Her lips and eyes flickered with amusement and he realized that in flinching, he’d flexed slightly beneath her fingers. She traced him softly and her hand, still damp from the waves, snuck up to tangle in his hair.

“I’ve missed you,” she said as she played with his hair. He wanted to tell her he missed her too. That he wanted to kiss her till his mouth was sore. But he couldn’t and she noticed, “What happened? Why are you doing this?”

He couldn’t look in her eyes. She would see his fear immediately and reassure him, forgive him, protect him. “I can’t.” It was all he could muster. He felt her fingers nimbly twirling the locks at the base of his neck. Then Rey’s hand cupped the back of his head and pulled him closer to her. He was seconds away from her lips again when she stopped him.

Ben felt her breath on his lips. It would be so easy to give into her. To let her free him from the shame and self-loathing. But he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t let their deaths be wiped away. Her hand smoothed his hair, her touch alone seemed to melt some of the cold around him. He’d forgotten how cold he felt. The tips of his fingers were ice and his ears were freezing. Then his teeth were chattering. “Ben?”

The scene changed dramatically and he was over Rey who stared back at him surprised. They were in his bunk and her hand was in his hair similarly to their dream. His torso was uncovered and his fingers were laced in her silken hair. He breathed quickly, realizing how cold he was and how close he was to the beautiful woman beneath him. Ben rolled off of her but she pulled the blanket over them as she rolled on top of him.

Her lips overtook his and his cheeks flushed as heat spread throughout him. There was nothing better in the entire galaxy than feeling her urgently soothe him. He couldn’t hold back when she was doing everything she could to warm his body. Ben wrapped his arms around her, feeling her small form above him. She was ernest, eager, ready. His hands gripped her tunic as his nails raked across her back. An excited moan transferred from her mouth to his.

His pulse quickened as her fingers clenched his hair. Her lips separated from his and he couldn’t help the whimper that escaped. She leaned down to his ear and breathed out a warm and sticky breath that wrapped around his ear and entered his canal. His eyes closed, basking in the warmth and sensation of her. She repeated the gesture on his other ear and he released a breathy moan, “ _ Rey _ .”

She kissed down his neck and he shuddered under her. Rey had all the power of the universe at her fingertips and she used it to feed him and nourish his needs and longing. His heart was pounding and his blood pumped loudly in his ears when her lips finally met his again. Her mouth opened and her tongue invaded his mouth easily. Her kissing was intoxicating to the point that he didn’t realize until it was too late. Her hand pressed against his arousal beneath his pants. He gasped and hated himself for breaking away from her but she was pressing him just right.

“Say it again.” She shifted her hand around him and he couldn’t hold back.

“Rey!” She stripped his pants and underwear in one quick motion then. Her lips met his length suddenly and he cried her name again. Had she missed him as badly as he’d missed her? Her tongue seemed to answer him as it ran along him from his base to his end. His fingers clung to the sheets as she continued licking and kissing him hungrily. Her attention nearly sent him over the edge and she hadn’t even really started. He’d forgotten the cold, his body told him he needed her more than he needed the blanket. And her loving mouth ignited a fire within him that set his skin on fire.

She was slow.  _ Gloriously _ slow around him. She took care to see that he gain pleasure rather than seek his end. There was no rushing Rey, she took her time, enjoying the vulnerability of him beneath her. Each moment, he nearly ventured to the dark crevice of his mind. He didn’t deserve this, he was a  _ monst _ \- Her generous movements always pulled him back to that moment, that passionate need to be with the woman he loved.

He hadn’t realized that his hand was in her hair, urging her further, begging her,  _ forcing her _ . He stopped at the thought and pulled away. She separated from him in that moment and he was grateful for it. The darkness flooded in and he couldn’t deny it this time. Her sweetness and attention wouldn’t push it away. He felt guilt, shame, all the usual feelings that overtook him since living with the Resistance. The feelings that were always there, but amplified without the grooming of his former master.

“Ben, what’s wrong?” She touched his face tenderly, heartbreakingly so. It was almost too much.

“I had a vision.” 

Her eyes gave away her curiosity and sheepishness. She looked down and then back up at him before asking, “Just now?”

“No!” He covered his face to hide his embarrassment at the thought. “Earlier. In the snow.” He recovered and took in her concern. “It was more of a flood of memories. The Force reminding me of what I’ve done.”

“The Force?”

“It was as though I was back in all of those moments. I felt everything again.”

She was silent, she knew there was more.

“My father was there. Dameron. You.” His face winced remembering the powerful slice across his cheek. She soothed it with her small hand. The cold began to creep in again and he wrapped the blanket around himself, realizing he was completely bare before her. His excitement had subsided in their conversation and he wanted to hide from her. At the very least, he wanted to cover  _ that _ .

She still said nothing. Rey was observant to the point of knowing when he was hiding anything from her.

“Why didn’t you kill me in the forest?”

The question hung between them, he wanted to know, he wanted her to tell him he was wrong. That it wasn’t out of compassion but out of some promise she’d made to his father or mother.

“It would’ve been easier for you. You would’ve been a hero.”

Rey gingerly took a thick strand of his hair and moved it away from his face. “You already know.”

That didn’t stop him from begging her again. “I want you to tell me.” He searched her eyes and a small knowing smile graced her features.

“I know.” He flushed at his own childishness. He was being unreasonable. If he already knew, why did he have to ask her? Why did he want her to say the words he knew in his heart? She continued, “During the interrogation, something changed between us.” He blushed even more, remembering her first show of strength against him. It had excited him. It still did. “You were afraid of me. I saw your fear then, and again when we battled. If I’d killed you,” she paused, finding the words. Her brow furrowed and made exquisite lines on her forehead, lines of deep concentration he’d seen before. She relaxed her brow and looked into his eyes, full of resolve, “there would be no going back from it. I would have killed you out of hate and anger. The Dark Side would have found a new host.”

Ben searched her face for more, he knew there was more.

“That’s the short answer, but I believe,” her cheeks flushed a delightful pink, she also lowered her voice considerably, “I believe that we were brought together for a reason. In that moment, I knew it was the wrong thing to do for my morality. But looking back now, I think it was something more.”

He looked away from her, probably a light crimson color to her as he thought about the Force being so kind.

“Why didn’t you kill me when Snoke prompted you?” She asked.

Ben looked at her incredulously, as though the answer were plain as day. She had to know the truth, she was teasing him. “You know.”

“I want you to tell me.”

“You’re too powerful. I couldn’t kill you, I wanted to train you, help you. You had more potential than I ever did, I couldn’t-”

She held a smirk and looked at him knowingly.

He flushed, they were Kylo Ren’s reasonings. She didn’t need Kylo Ren’s truth. She needed Ben’s. He put his hand to her cheek, to ensure that she was still real, that this moment was still real. “After speaking with you through the bond, after telling you everything, and hearing about your time in the cave, you looked at me in a way no one ever had.”

She smiled and touched his lips then, “And how was that?”

He searched her face for a moment, remembering every detail from that night. The way her eyebrows curved up, the way her eyes were glossed over in unrelinquished tears, the slight parting of her lips. “Hopeful.” 

Rey leaned in then, closing the gap and he was honored to meet her. This woman had found him in the storm. She’d led him back to the light and he could never praise her enough for her courage. His existence was devoted to her now and he knew he would never be enough to deserve her. But he would do anything for her.

She pulled from him for a moment, “Your nightmares and fears are in the past, Ben. You can be the man you were meant to be now. I’m strong, but not as trained as you. I want to be as strong as you, to help you, to protect you.”

He wrapped his arms around his love and kissed her with a mix of passion, humility, and desperation. After a moment, he reassured her, “So easily you’ve forgotten everything. You have always been stronger than me.” He took her hand and pressed it to his heart. “Don’t you see the power you have over me? You will be the greatest Jedi, the greatest leader, the greatest anything you ever want to be.”

Rey kissed him again, keeping her hand on his heart but entangling the fingers of her other hand in his hair, straddling him, leaving no room between them. Her mouth was ferocious and gentle, hungry and satisfying all at once. Ben had relinquished the blanket at that point, trading its warmth for Rey’s. He was growing excited again beneath her and when it pressed against her, she smiled and separated. She looked down at him, her position on him giving her a height that he liked but wasn’t used to.

“We don’t have to.” He flushed. Their subject had been tender and he wasn’t sure if she’d lost her fire. Though their kiss should have clued him in to her wants.

“Oh, we do.” She kissed him again with such force that he fell back against the mattress. Rey’s hand left his chest and traced down his stomach, all the way down to his groin, leaving a trail of excitement and fire. She wrapped around him and he gasped below her when she found the head.

His breath shook as she toyed with him. Her lips left his and traced kisses along his jaw up his cheeks, all over his face. Her hand was distracting and the gentle kisses drove him wild. He imagined being in her and finding that sweet release inside her. When her lips found his neck and her teeth nibbled only slightly, he nearly lost himself. She was careful and kind, ensuring his pleasure tenfold. “ _ Rey _ .”

She didn’t stop, her kisses trailed down even further as her hand alternated between rubbing his length and caressing lightly at the end. He wanted to please her, to palm her gently to her end, but he couldn't help basking in the glory of her touch. Her lips kissed his shoulders and chest reverently and it made him feel powerful even in his position beneath her.

He realized then that his hands had been gripping the sheets rather than touching her. He damned himself for his carelessness and rested his hands on her back. She still wore her tunic, she still wore everything actually and it wasn’t fair. Ben sat up, causing her to sit back as she continued touching him and kissing him. It was perfectly adorable how hard she worked to ensure his ecstasy. He begrudgingly stilled her hand and met her gaze when she looked up at him expectantly. 

Ben slowly opened her tunic at the top, kissing the newly exposed skin of her shoulders and chest. He breathed in her scent as he lavished her. The sweat of the day mingled with her unique essence, stirred him again. Her tunic finally separated and fell past her shoulders but stopped at her wrists as her belt kept it in place. He easily unlatched the belt and watched the fabric fall away, exposing her tight stomach. Tracing his fingers over her abdomen, he relished her light intake of breath at the contact.

He ran his fingertips across her skin up towards the bindings across her chest. He searched for the end of the gauze casually before she led him to the right place. He unwrapped her gingerly, locking his lips with hers to occupy her while he peeled each layer away. She was finally freed and he pawed at her breasts, causing her to gasp. He took the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth and roll her onto her back.

Ben grinned at having the higher ground again and squeezed harder around her plump breasts. She gasped again and he separated, allowing her to breathe. She watched him languidly through her lashes as he bent lower. He grazed her left nipple with his mouth, separating his lips to breath hot air onto it. Despite the warmth, it hardened beneath him and he let his tongue lightly brush against it.

His teasing led her to release a small whine but he continued, savoring in every sensation as she squirmed beneath him. Her skin was smooth and pale beneath her bindings, he’d never experienced anything like it before. Ben then hovered over her neglected breast and repeated his teasing, causing her to whine and whimper sweetly.

He continued his play and lowered his hands to her pants, tugging them lightly. She approved his motions and lifted her hips to allow him to remove the articles completely. He grunted when they met her boots and she laughed. They both removed the rest of her clothing and Ben smiled at the mundaneness of it all. Finally, her boots and lower garments crumpled on the floor along with the rest of their clothes. They were finally free. He returned his lips to her mouth and swept his hands along her body. Her soft, smooth skin warmed at his touch.

After some time, he ended his worship of her form and set his hands to devote himself to the joining of her hips. He found the glorious bud easily but sped past it to spread her gushing liquids along her center. She was overflowing and he wondered if she’d already plunged into the depths of her euphoria.

“ _ Rey _ .” He whispered, feeling her and returning to her point. She closed her eyes and her brows knit together as she puffed her lips enraptured. “ _ You’re so beautiful.” _

Her already flushed cheeks turned a deep crimson and he smiled. He leaned lower to her ear.

_ “You mean everything to me _ .”

His steady pace quickened and she turned her head abruptly to rest her cheek on the pillow below her. He watched her face and burned every freckle, every crease, every pore into his memory. He would hold onto her as long as he lived, and even after.

She was trembling beneath him, he felt her pleasure mounting and he kissed her cheek. He pulled away and slipped his longest finger between her folds. She bucked at that and opened her eyes to look for him. Just as her eyes found him, he pressed the tip of his tongue to her gem. He licked it lightly, teasingly, and locked eyes with her.

She set her jaw tightly as she watched him. She anticipated him to pamper her, and he would in time, but he wanted to see the tension mount within her. He knew it would make her release all the sweeter. Rey had caused him such tension since the day they’d met. He wanted her to know how good it felt to be freed. His finger began to stroke indifferently within her and he flicked her with his tongue faintly, just enough for her to jerk at each moment of contact.

“ _ Ben, please _ .” She begged, her hands in her own hair.

He didn’t relent. He would continue to tantalize her. He felt her tension rising, eager to be undone, and the liquid escaping her only told him he was doing something right.

“ _ Please, Ben _ .  _ Please! _ ” She was almost crying now, her eyes closed, straining to feel every bit of contact his tongue allowed. Finally, he let the fullness of his tongue meet her and she cried out in reprieve. “ _ Yes! Yes, Ben! _ ” He intensified the strokes of his finger and took the whole of her bead in his mouth. Rey wrapped her legs around his shoulders and he felt her thighs twitch against his cheeks. He lapped fervently now as her moans rung in his ears, “ _ Please, please, don’t stop. _ ”

He kept on, sucking and licking her apex, prodding and stroking her core, gripping and holding her leg wrapped around him. Nothing could stop him from bringing his queen to the heights of existence. She would rule over all and it would be his honor to serve her. He would love her for eternity, even death would not end his worship of this beautiful deity. She’d forgiven him, purged him of his sins again and again. Whenever he doubted himself, whenever he felt the darkness creep in, she was there to save him, protect him, reassure him. He would do anything she asked.

“ _ Ben… I… _ ” Yes, please feel everything he was feeling. She was grinding her hips into him and he wanted badly to send her over the edge.

Finally, she cried out louder than before, it almost sound pained but it dripped with rapture and satiation. He slowed his pace to ease her back from her height. She twitched and shook. Her sex swelled and pulsed beneath his lips. Ben separated from her after a moment and returned to hover just above her face.

She opened her eyes slowly. Perspiration stuck strands of hair to her brow and made her shimmer. Her pink cheeks gave her a healthy haze and he could do nothing but savor it. Her hazel eyes unglazed and she took in his face behind her half-closed lids. Her breathing settled and she finally said, “Your thoughts are so loud.”

He looked at her curiously.

“I’m not… a goddess, or a queen. I’m just a girl. You know that.” She glanced away for a split second at that last part.

Ben brushed away some of the sticky strands on her brow and looked in her eyes, “Not to me.”

She blinked quickly, taking in the poignancy of his words. She also seemed to be blinking back tears. “You meant all of that? That even death wouldn’t separate us?”

He flushed but nodded. With a half-formed smile, he replied, “Unless eternity is too long for you to put up with me.”

Her fingers traced his lips and her eyes were steady, unrelenting in their gaze, “I never want to be apart from you. You are what I’ve been searching for all this time.”

His jaw instinctively locked and twitched, holding back his raw emotions. Her hands cupped his face gently. 

“Please don’t leave me, Ben Solo.”

He kissed her intensely, not holding anything back. He couldn’t, not when she’d asked him to be with her forever. She had felt it too. She had seen it too. She wanted him too. Her legs wrapped around him, pulling him down toward her and he guided himself to her entrance. Rey’s fingers met him there as she spread herself. He filled her slowly, melting into the feeling of her around him as he drove in. A low groan that may have sounded more guttural than he’d intended escaped his throat as he fully buried into her.

Rey’s fingers moved upward to caress her swollen bud to increase her pleasure. He began moving slowly, to allow her to adjust. Her face blurred below him as the prickling sensation of intense pleasure began to blind him. He closed his eyes and began to increase his speed. After a moment, clarity seemed to return and he reached to take her fingers’ place but she stopped him. She whispered, “It’s alright, I want you to focus on you now.” 

He flushed deeper at that, closing his eyes as a particularly strong thrust plunged him further into her. “ _ I _ …”

Her free hand brushed his cheek. “I know.” She clung to him with her legs and pushed him over onto his back. She still lay over him and he breathed easily without having to support himself. She sat up then and he moaned as gravity pulled her further onto him. He opened his eyes to see her seated on him, looking strong and powerful as always. 

“Rey-” she put a finger to his lips and then rolled her hips. His eyes rolled back reveling in the sensation. She continued her sweet motions and he thought his heart might give out. It was beyond imaginable how she made him feel. There was no way this was real. He gripped her legs to be sure. Her soft skin, like what he imagined clouds felt like. It didn’t help. How could he know this was real? It was too good.

Suddenly, he felt sharp teeth on his shoulder. It hurt and elicited a gasp, more erotic than pained, to his embarrassment. He opened his eyes to see Rey biting his shoulder, yet also felt her moving around him. It was real. He wasn’t imagining. Another hard bite confirmed it but then her sweet tongue repaired the damage. She pulled away and her focus was again on her luxurious hip movements. Then he heard her voice in his head, however, it wasn’t like it usually was. This time it was as though she were thinking to herself. But  _ loudly _ , to the point where he couldn’t help but listen.

_ Please stop losing yourself. How can I keep you here with me? You can’t leave, I won’t let you. _ Her movements increased in speed and he felt at some points she was lifting up to thrust back down on him. It was incredible.  _ I know it’s selfish, but I don’t know how to be any other way. You’re the only one to see me this way.  _ Her thoughts slowed, apparently distracted by the animal nature of their actions. She pressed a hand to his chest to steady herself and set the other one to work toward her own climax. He didn’t know what to do. Her movements around him were too intoxicating for him to do much of anything with his hands. They’d set into a rhythmic rubbing of her legs, feeling the smooth skin beneath his fingertips.  _ Oh, yes… Even before, you saw me for who I truly was, you knew what I could do before I did. You looked at me like no one else. You _ wanted  _ to know me.  _ He felt her tightening around him.  _ Ben… _

She thrust harder and faster. She quickly took one of his hands and pressed it against her breast. He continued his rhythmic rubbing over her nipple and listened to the sweet mewling sound. He wanted to open his eyes, to see her reach the heavens again, but he was so close himself. Her tight walls were clinging to him, begging for him to be deeper in her. He subconsciously complied and began his own thrusting. He was surprised he hadn’t tried that before. It was a whole new sensation meeting her hips with his own. She liked it too. The coil in her tightening beyond belief before finally, his eyes rolled back again as Rey found her release around him.

They both wailed as they came undone. Her hands found his hair and clung to it. His thrusts slowed as he pumped his own fluids into her. His hands were useless, fumbling appendages as her pulsing walls sucked every last drop from him. He was babbling lamely as she kissed his cheeks and jaw. How could anyone live outside of this? How could he be expected to do anything else for the rest of his days?

Rey met his lips then and he kissed her lethargically. Ah, he figured he would need to sleep. But once he woke again, he would want her all the same. He could do nothing else. She pulled away from his softening member and he blushed at the disappointed groan he let loose.

She giggled and placed a brief, chaste kiss on his forehead. She then replaced her soft lips with a coarse towel. His breath began to even out as she wiped away the perspiration and he opened his eyes to bask in her. Rey’s eyes looked at him tenderly and he could never be grateful enough for her.

“I heard you too.” His voice was hoarse and low.

She blushed and blinked at him before flashing an unbelieving grin, “Oh, really?”

“You aren’t selfish for wanting me to be with you. For wanting me to be yours.”

She believed him then and seemed miffed about it.

“I’m sorry! You were thinking it so… loudly.”

She threw the towel over his face and stood, walking away from him.

“Rey, please!” He removed the towel to see her getting dressed and fear crept in, he almost got up but was being kept in his place by the Force. He wasn’t strong enough to fight back at the moment. “Rey!”

“You need to rest.” She turned back to him and when she saw him, her expression morphed into surprise. She returned quickly and pressed her forehead to his. “I’ll be back, silly.”

He blushed, “You aren’t angry?”

“More at myself for thinking so loudly.” She separated from him and continued to dress.

“I liked it. You were honest.”

“I’m always honest.”

“Yes, but… It felt nice to be thought of in that way. I always feel desperate when it comes to you, like all of the fear and selfishness is one-sided.”

She was fully dressed then and brushed his hair from his face, “That’s the beauty of what’s between us. We need each other equally. It’s alright to be selfish sometimes, isn’t it? We’ve both been hurting for so long, why don’t we just enjoy feeling good sometimes?”

Rey was beautiful and clear. Her words made his broken soul heal little by little every day. He let a small smile escape to match hers. Then he kissed her. He wanted it to be gentle and full of gratitude and admiration. He loved this woman. She pulled away too soon for his liking and he pouted before seeing her sly grin.

“I have to go, but I’ll be right back.” She pulled the blanket over him and kissed his forehead sweetly before exiting. He couldn’t sleep until she returned this time. At least, that was what he told himself. However, he was fast asleep before she was even to the fresher.

* * *

 

The hall was devoid of people so late in the night, making her trip to the fresher swift and easy. However, after exiting, she encountered a half-asleep Rose who seemed only vaguely aware that someone else was in the room. Rey smiled at her friend but figured she hadn’t noticed. Rey began to wash her hands when Rose finally spoke from the stall, “You should brush your hair after.”

“What?”

“Your hair is messed up after. Poe said that was how he knew for sure.”

“After what? Poe said what?”

Rose laughed, “After being with Ben!”

“You are  _ mad _ .”

“No, you are  _ mad _ if you think you’re good at hiding it.”

Rey flushed. “Please don’t tell.”

Then she heard the toilet flush and Rose exited the stall to wash her hands. “I don’t have to. You two aren’t very sneaky.”

“It’s not the way of the Jedi.” The two wiped their hands dry and looked at each other.

Rose shrugged, “Then maybe it’s time to change the rules. I mean, the no procreating didn’t work out so well the last time now that it’s just you three.”

Rey flushed even more, “We aren’t  _ procreating _ . We’re…”

“Please don’t say what you’re doing. Just, don’t stop doing it, ok. Because if you do, he may return to the Dark Side.”

“Don’t even joke.”

“I wasn’t.”

Rey gave a warning look.

“Ok, maybe it was kind of a joke but I do mean it. You love him, right?”

Rey hadn’t shared that with anyone aside from him. But her expression was honest and gave her away easily.

“Then don’t let some dumb old rules get in the way of that. You saved him, Rey.”

He wasn’t the only one that needed saving, she told herself.

“If you care about him and any form of future you have, you have to hold on to that.”

“What if Skywalker refuses to teach me? What if I can no longer be a Jedi?”

Rose tightened her lips and smiled slightly, “Honestly? If he’s a Jedi Master, he probably already knows.”

Rey looked at her horrified.

“You guys are really  _ not _ subtle.”

Rey turned from her friend then and made her way back to Ben’s room.

“Rey!”

She stopped in the hallway and allowed Rose to catch up. “But he’s still been teaching you.”

Rey looked at her, taking in her statement. “He’s still teaching me. So maybe he doesn’t know?”

“Or maybe he knows and just doesn’t care?”

Rey’s mind was running wild. What did it all mean?

“I’m just saying, you shouldn’t worry, Rey. It’s your life and your choices. So far, you’ve made some pretty good decisions. You brought back Luke and you saved Ben.” They were both silent for a moment. Rose finally caved, “I’m going back to bed. Good luck.”

Rose left her alone in the hallway and Rey hurried back to Ben’s room. He was sleeping soundly facing the door, almost as if he’d tried to stay awake and wait for her to return. Her swirling thoughts stilled at the sight of him. Thick, black hair a mess, large pouting lips relaxed and slightly parted, a massive arm outside of the blanket, allowing his large hand to rest on his half-covered expansive chest. Her worries subsided and gave way to unending serenity.

She peeled the layers of clothes away and curled under the covers beside him. She moved his arm easily to wrap it around herself as she rested her head on his chest. She listened to his breathing, watched the rise and fall of his chest, and felt the steady beat of his heart. She closed her eyes and focused on it. She felt the tension in his lungs as they expanded to allow in oxygen, and the release as they collapsed, allowing breath to escape.

Whatever Skywalker had as an argument against this, she would fight it. The old Jedi laws could use a shake-up. She would build something greater with Ben. It would be beautiful, full of love, and blessed by the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for your time. Hope it was worth the read.


End file.
